I have been married for 20 years. After my wife had our first child she went completely off sex for about nine months. We now have sex once or twice a month. I suffer from premature ejaculation but sometimes feel if we had sex more often then I might be able to solve this problem. The lack of sex in our relationship is a strain. Any advice?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    After giving birth, hormone changes make most women want less sex. This usually lasts until weaning. It’s Nature’s way of focusing the woman’s attention on her newborn. Of course, it also frustrates a lot of men.

    After weaning, as women’s libidos return, they may not have much energy for sex. Parenting is hard work for both moms and dads–the lack of sleep, the childcare, the laundry, saving for college, the million things involved in parenting–but typically men’s libido suffers less than women’s. Again, this is normal, but frustrating for many men.

    So you two have a long-term desire difference. You want sex more than your wife does. If you still have a sense of humor about this, if anger and resentment have not poisoned your marriage, then I’d suggest the article “You’re Insatiable.” “You Never Want To.” How to Resolve Desire Differences. The program is deceptively simple, but it works.

    However, if your desire difference has caused significant anger and resentment, then there may not be enough good will in your marriage for the do-it-yourself approach to work. In that case, I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist for couple counseling focused on your sexual issues. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, or the American Board of Sexology.

    It’s possible that your premature ejaculation is connected to your desire difference. The latter causes anxiety and anxiety is a key contributor to PE. But even if this is the case, it’s unlikely that, by itself, more frequent sex will cure your PE and give you good ejaculatory control. PE is a bad habit and unless you make a few changes in how you make love, it’s likely to persist no matter what your sexual frequency. The good news is that PE is usually easy to cure with a self-help program. I urge you to read the article on premature ejaculation. If this self-help article does not provide sufficient relief, then a sex therapist can usually help men overcome it and learn good ejaculatory control. Good luck!

  • colm says:

    Thanks for the advice and linked articled.

    CK

  • CA_dave says:

    It’s quite likely that more frequent intercourse would solve your PE problem. My wife and had evolved toward very infrequent (monthly) sex before consulting a sex coach. Now, our sexual relationship is excellent, and my ejaculatory control is vastly improved. I think it’s a combination of frequency and some breath training.

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