worried middle aged man

Everybody talks about desensitzing the penis when it comes to premature ejaculation. My problem is that I don’t think about how good it feels, but looking at my wife makes me ejaculate quicker. Such as looking at her breasts shake or her face tense up. Doggie style is the worst because I see her breasts dangling and within an instant I get to the point of no return and I ejaculate. I can’t find any information about about the visualizing just the sensitivity. I feel that I should close my eyes and think about something completely different. Although alcohol is not a good prescription, it definitely does help. I am just over forty and my premature ejaculation is worse now than when I was in my 20’s.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m sorry that your premature ejaculation is worse now than it was in your twenties. But that’s not really surprising. It sounds like you’re dealing with 20 years of having a conditioned reflex. You look at your wife in the heat of passion, and decades of ejaculating quickly hit you like an avalanche…and bang!

    You mention three possible approaches for dealing with your situation: desensitizing your penis, thinking about other things, and alcohol. I urge you not to use any of them. All three take your focus off your lovemaking and away from your own state of arousal. Focusing away from your lovemaking reduces your pleasure. And focusing away from your arousal makes it impossible to learn good ejaculatory control.

    They key to lasting as long as you’d like is not to tune out your body, but to tune more into it, specifically, the sensations you feel when highly aroused as you approach your point of no return. Using the masturbation exercises I describe in my article, The Simple, Effective Program Than Teaches Men To Last As Long As They’d Like At Any Age, you practice maintaining heightened arousal without ejaculating. If you feel yourself approaching the point of no return, breathe deeply and back off on your self-stimulation until the urge to come subsides. As you practice this, you retrain yourself away from the conditioned reflex that has you in the express lane to ejaculation.

    After you gain good control solo, which typically takes a few months of regular practice, then you invite your wife to give you handjobs with you coaching her when to stroke you vigorously and when to back off.

    Throughout the program you don’t distract yourself with alcohol, or thinking about other things, or any of the desensitizing products. They may delay your ejaculation somewhat, but they don’t help you learn to control it. The program outlined in my article does, so I suggest that you begin with that. It’s quite possible that the article will be all you need….if you give the program, say, six months.

    However, you say that your premature ejaculation is more of a problem now than it was 20 years ago. If the self-help program doesn’t do the trick, then I would urge you and your wife to consult a sex therapist for individual coaching. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record of helping men learn good ejaculatory control, even if the self-help approach has not produced the result you wanted. And if sex therapy doesn’t quite do it, then you can try a low-dose antidepressant. But the combination of self-help and sex therapy teaches about 90 percent of men to last as long as they’d like without drugs, alcohol, delay creams, or distractions.

    To find a sex therapist near your, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Good luck!

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