I am 33 & my ‘new’ boyfriend is 43. I love him a lot and think the world of him. However, lately his erectile dysfunction is creating problems in our relationship. He is amazing at all non-intercourse sex but the problem comes with intercourse.

He cannot seem to ‘find’ his way, I help guide him. Once he’s in he cannot seem to hold an erection. Only when I am able to ‘ride’ him, he may be able to sustain erection for a bit.

He is able to come via oral sex, or masturbation. I don’t know how to help him other than being supportive and caring. But to be honest, I am under 40 and want more intercourse than he can provide. What is a solution?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    It’s difficult to diagnose his problem based on your brief description, but here are my thoughts:

    First, read the articles on erection: Erection Myths—the The Truth About Erections, Weak Erections or ED? Erectile Dysfunction: Causes, and Erectile Dysfunction: Treatments.

    Erectile dysfunction (ED) can be biological or situational. Biological causes include things that physically narrow the arteries that carry blood into the penis, among them: smoking, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, a diet high in cholesterol saturated fat (i.e. meat, cheese), and certain drugs (alcohol, high blood pressure medication, etc.) Biological ED tends to be global, that is, men with biological ED have trouble with erection all the time.

    Aging is also a factor in erection difficulties. Somewhere around 50, men’s erections naturally become balky. In men who are smokers or obese or diabetic, balky erections can begin around 40.

    From your description, your bf’s situation sounds situational. It sounds like his problem is limited to intercourse. Is that true? If not, if he has a problem raising erections at other times, for example, during masturbation or fellatio, then I’d urge him to see a doctor for an evaluation. Sometimes an erection problem is the first symptom of potentially serious health conditions. But if his problem is limited to attempts at intercourse, then it would appear to be situational,and likely caused by anxiety/stress.

    Anxiety constricts the arteries including the ones that carry blood into the penis. Constricted arteries limit blood flow, meaning less blood in the penis for erection. Have you asked if he ever had this problem with previous lovers? If so, then chances are he had an episode of ED way back when, and felt like a sexual failure and it engendered anxiety, which led to more ED episodes during attempts at intercourse, which causes more stress, and on and on in vicious cycle.

    He could try the drugs and they might help. But if he has situational ED, then I have a few suggestions. Anxiety/stress can be minimized by deep relaxation. I suggest the two of you bathe or shower before sex. Hot water is deeply relaxing. I urge him to drink no alcohol within a few hours of sex. Alcohol is a leading cause of ED. During sex, I suggest that you provide each other with extended whole-body massages. Massage activates special nerves in the skin that promote deep relaxation. As you approach intercourse, provide the stimulation that raises his erection. Ask for coaching. Ask him to tell or show you exactly how he likes to be fondled, stroked, or sucked. When fondling or stroking him, use a lubricant. Lubes enhance erotic sensitivity.

    When you want to have intercourse, use the woman-on-top position. It allows the man to remain relaxed as he lies on his back. As you straddle his hips, one of you should continue to stroke his penis. Then sit slowly down and take him inside you. Continue to massage and kiss each other. If his erection begins to wilt, lift off him and return to providing the stimulation that raises his erections. Then return to woman-on-top intercourse. Repeat. Then when he feels ready, try the same approach with rear entry (doggie style) intercourse. Beware of man-on-top intercourse because it’s the most stress-provoking for the man He must hold himself up while guiding himself inside you. If you enjoy man-on-top intercourse, I suggest that you guide his erection into you.

    If the articles and my other suggestions don’t provide sufficient relief, then I’d urge the two of you to consult a sex therapist. I bet that a few months of weekly counseling sessions would fix things. For more about sex therapy, read my article on it. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

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