HI stumbled on your website as I privately research this very frustrating issue. There is very little talk around men who are not interested in sex.
I am 61. My 2nd husband and I have been together for 21 years . We are both youthful in body. My first husband and I were very sexually charged as was all of my significant relationships before him. I tried something different..He is my best friend, loyal beyond belief etc..but sex…..nah. At the time I met him I was completely traumatized from my 1st marriage and this felt safe. 21 years later we are still best friends but I feel like I gave up excitement and chemistry for safety.
This topic is so taboo. He is completely unable to really dig as to why this is the case. He is definitely not gay and I have some theories on the “whys” but I do not want to be his therapist or mother. Finding a therapist/counselor for this who is older /experienced is impossible. We live in NY. If you can guide or give some insight or maybe even offer a session let me know.
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In relationships, after the hot-and-heavy period runs its course, desire differences become almost inevitable. Meanwhile, most people believe that men want sex more than women do. So when desire differences emerge, if the man wants more sex, that’s an issue, but it feels normal. If it’s the woman who wants more sex than the man, that feels abnormal——and usually more distressing, especially for the woman. You’re in that situation.
From your brief question, it sounds like you’ve always been more into sex than your husband has been. That’s fine, except that his lack of interest is now driving you crazy. You are by no means alone. Desire differences are one of the top reasons why couples seek sex therapy.
What to do? Sex therapists have developed a program that helps more than half of couples resolve desire differences more or less amicably. I’ve distilled that program into one chapter of my book Sizzling Sex for Life. You and your husband might read that chapter and see if it points to a mutually acceptable solution to your conundrum.
You might also see the romantic comedy “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. It follows a couple in a situation much like yours. They consult a sex therapist, and things get better.
If self-help approaches don’t resolve things for you, then I would suggest consulting a sex therapist. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues, who can provide relationship therapy as well as science-based insights into sexual issues and problems. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates.
To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
If your husband won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you sizzling sex for life!
So nice of you to respond so thoroughly. I will definitely take your suggestions but the part that you caught on to is where I feel the most conflict. Can you really create chemistry if it was never really there? After the trauma of my first marriage built on a lot of chemistry and no reliable friendship, I actively chose to try the “friends first” approach. I thought maybe we could build on the few moments early in the relationship but now…it’s just not there. Tremendous gratitude to him for being loyal and kind. But does that translate into chemistry. Ever? Especially after 20 years? Thank you for listening,.