I’m 48 and my girlfriend is 54…. I have a high sex drive and she’s going through menopause. She pretty much has taken sex off the menu. So where does that leave me? We have talked about it, and she is over it. What to do? Every time I make advances, she rejects me. I love her. What should I do? Just straight jerk off in front of her or what? She used to be so sexual. Now nothing! HELP!!!
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I’m very sorry menopause has killed your gf’s libido. The good news: It may be temporary. Many women experience libido decline or loss during early menopause, but after around age 55, some recover some sexual desire. Of course, I don’t know if your gf will, but her current antipathy toward sex may change.
Solo sex is your fallback, but you may have other options:
• First, try to be as helpful as possible as she experiences menopause. My new book, Sizzling Sex for Life, has a chapter: How Men Can Help Women Through Menopause. It should provide some perspective on what’s happening with her, including suggestions for minimizing things like hot flashes and menopausal fatigue that can suppress libido.
• How much do you know about the biology and psychology of women’s sexual desire? It’s often not like men’s. Sizzing Sex contains a chapter on women’s desire, which should help you (and your gf) understand what’s happening with her.
• You guys now have a desire difference, the #1 sexual complain of longterm couples. Fortunately, in cases where the lower desire partner is still open to some sex, sex therapists have developed a program that’s very effective in arriving at a frequency both people can live with more or less comfortably. Sizzling Sex contains a chapter that presents a do-it-yourself version of this sex therapy program: You’re Insatiable! You Never Want To! How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences.
Sizzling Sex for Life can be ordered from Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Sizzling-Sex-Life-Everything-Maximize/dp/1510762558
If self-help approaches don’t resolve things, then I would suggest a short course of sex therapy, with ideally both of you attending. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read the chapter in Sizzling Sex on sex therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If your partner won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you sizzling sex for life.