unhappy wife while husband looks at ipad

My boyfriend watches porn and says he enjoys viewing it and thinks it’s sexy. We haven’t had a problem in our sex life. We  plan on getting married next year. Like your article says, I can see why men watch porn. But at times I feel like I am not enough for him, that he needs porn because I don’t satisfy him. I asked my boyfriend and he said it’s not a big deal and that it helps him with his anxiety and I am making too much of it.  What do you think I should do ? He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore either. It was never a problem before when we were just dating. I am wondering why it’s a problem for me now?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Based just on your brief description, I can’t know why his porn habit has become a problem for you recently. But I have a guess: Many women in committed relationships think they “own” their man’s sexuality, that they should satisfy all of their men’s sexual needs. When you were “just dating,” you didn’t feel all that committed and could ignore your bf’s porn viewing. But now that you’re planning to get married, you may have embraced the idea that you own his sexuality and should be all he needs.

    The issue is not so much porn as masturbation. Porn is simply a visual aid men use while self-sexing. Do you object to his seeing R-rated movies that include sex? Probably not. Why not? Perhaps because men don’t unzip and stroke to them as they do with porn. Many engaged and married women object to men masturbating for the same reason you say you’re uncomforble with porn—because it suggests they’re not enough for their men.

    I’m quite confident he was masturbating long before he met you, that he’s stroked during every relationship he’s ever had. Many women believe that once men say, “I do,” they stop needing to masturbate. On the contrary. The best research shows that compared with single men, married men masturbate just as much and often MORE. Why? Because it’s a quick, convenient, free form of self-soothing. He says he uses porn to deal with his anxieties, in other words, he uses it for self-soothing. That’s very common. A large proportion of men self-soothe by masturbating.

    I can’t tell you how to feel. But you’re engaged. He wants to marry you. That suggests to me that he loves you and that you’re enough for him. But no woman can satisfy men’s need to self-soothe by masturbating, which, by definition is a solo enterprise. For the happiness of your marriage, I urge you to lighten up on his porn viewing. Negotiate a partner sex frequency you both can live with comfortably. Discuss the moves you both like so you’re sure he’s happy with your whoopee. Schedule your sex so yo both know when you’ll make love. At other times, he’s free to stroke—and so are you. As long as his self-sexing doesn’t interfere with his life responsibilities or partner sex with you, grant him the kindness of not getting bent out of shape by his need for solo play at other times.

    It’s not just married men who stroke. Most married women do, too. More than half of American women own vibrators and few use them in partner sex. Most use them solo—and that includes millions of married women. Why aren’t their men “enough” for them? Because while solo and partner sex are both “sex,” they’re different. Sometimes you just want to take a little break and please yourself without having the hassles of pleasing a partner. Do you own a vibrator? If so, I doubt you’ll throw it out after your wedding. If not, you might consider obtaining one and trying it for your own anxiety relief.

    I hope you find this helpful. Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you a long and happy marriage.

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