Hi. I’m 23 year old girl who has horrible sex. I’m in a relationship for 7 years now. I have a few issues, like I easily get nervous, angry, frustrated, and sometimes I just hate myself for nonsense reasons, and I freak out, cry, and shout and stuff. Also I stress and worry so much about almost everything. I’m so imperfect.
I don’t know my father and my mom couldn’t really show love, so I didn’t get much during my childhood. Instead she often beat me and said things a parent should’ve never say to her daughter.
So the thing is, in my relationship, we’ve never had good sex.
Maybe I’m the one to blame because I can go weeks without sex and not even think about it. I have always been like this. And I’d rather masturbate than have sex with my boyfriend.
Our story:
When we started dating, I was just 16 years old. I’d broken up with another guy, so at that time, I was depressed and didn’t feel ready for a new relationship. And there was a lot about my current boyfriend I didn’t even like—his looks, the way he talks. Sometimes it felt like I hated him, but Ialso felt really good with him. (I know it’s weird). He made me feel safe and loved. And that was what I needed, and still need.
From the beginning, we were like best friends. We always had so much fun together. So we’ve stuck together. No one understands me like he does, and I just feel so alive with him. It’s like I have to be with him.
But sex between us is horrible.
The problem:
I don’t get turned on by him because everything gets weird between us when it comes to sex. I feel embarrassed, nervous, and sometimes ugly. Sometimes I just feel like a little kid who doesn’t know what to do or maybe I just don’t want to do it. It feels like we don’t have any chemistry between us.
About him:
My boyfriend has a latex/leather fetish that I don’t like because he spends so much time dressing up into these strange clothes. Even if I did get turned on, it goes away when he starts dressing up. And there’s no sex when he doesn’t do this. He feels he has to dress up for sex, so basically he wants every sex to be exactly the same all the time in leather clothes. Always.
He says I never want to have sex. That’s pretty much true. I just “let it happen” to make him feel we’re ok.
He says he wants to feel passion and sparkle between us.
But how can I create something that never existed?
When we started dating, I always wanted to do it. I didn’t know how to have an orgasm but I was really interested, and not just with him. I’ve always wanted to have sex with other guys because my boyfriend never interested me as a “man.” Rather I love hims as a brother or father or best friend.
But things have changed in the past few years. I’d still choose a playful,fun-loving, childish-kinda relationship rather than an adult relationship that is filled with sex. But now my goal is to mix the two.
I spent so much time thinking about this sex thing between us, and I think I had so many bad experiences with him that when I’d want to do it, I still say I don’t want it, because I want to save myself from more bad. And of course, he doesn’t want to have sex with me too because of the same issue.
Also, it’s weird, but when we have sex, I mostly have an orgasm in no time. Sometimes I even cry afterward because they’re so amazing. How can I have orgasms like this with someone I don’t have chemistry with?
I know I’m in a childhood relationship, but i really want to keep it alive and happy because I love life with my boyfriend. I’ve never had someone who loves me this much and I love the vibes in our relationship that couldn’t be reproduced with any other man. I’m happy with him even if it seems unbelievable.
We even have our own business together and we’ve lived together for 5 years now.
He says he’s waiting for me to change sexually because he loves me. He doesn’t cheat on me and doesn’t wanna leave me. I’m just sad because I wanna make him happy and satisfied.
Please help, do you think there’s any chance for us to make sex work between us? I really want it.
Thank you
Responses
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You have many strengths. You’re articulate, self-aware, insightful about your situation, and easily orgasmic. And your boyfriend is your best friend and despite all your issues, you love him and he loves you and you’re committed to each other. And you’ve maintained your relationship for quite a while.
But you also have some real challenges: your parents, your age when you and your boyfriend got together, your lack of chemistry with him, his leather fetish, and a history of horrible sex together.
Your situation is complex, and I’m sure there’s lots more to tell. I can’t counsel you in any meaningful way. I urge you to consult a sex therapist. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions, though with you guys, it might take longer. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
I wish you the best.