Talking Dirty: The Origins of Sexual Obscenities

I’m not sure if I have a problem or a fetish. I am a 45-year-old man and married for nearly 20 years. I’m a life long sufferer of PE and tried various things to try and last longer. However, I’ve recently thought of my PE as a fetish which has had the effect of making me even quicker, to the point where I cannot penetrate my wife’s vagina. I do try to satisfy her orally and she says she doesn’t mind me not penetrating her. However, is there a risk that over time the lack of intercourse could effect our emotional connection? The acceptance of my PE as a fetish has made me so quick I’m not sure how I could regain any control.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    In common parlance, a fetish is an unusual interest. But in sexology, it means a non-genital element of sex without which the person can’t become aroused. So foot fetishists can’t become sexually excited without seeing or touching feet. I don’t see how PE could become a fetish, especially since you’d like to overcome it.

    It’s very good that you satisfy your wife orally. I suggest you believe her when she says that cunnilingus to orgasm satisfies her and means she doesn’t miss intercourse. It doesn’t sound like your emotional connection is suffering—as long as you go down on her consistently and she comes from oral play. In fact, that’s the future of your lovemaking. After around age 60 most men develop erectile dysfunction, and intercourse becomes difficult if not impossible. Older couples who remain sexual stop attempting intercourse and go with oral sex—-without losing any emotional connection. So as long as she comes, I wouldn’t worry about a loss of connection between the two of you.

    You say you’ve tried “various things” to last longer. Have you tried my e-booklet, The Cure for PE? If not, I suggest you and your wife work through the program, which helps most men gain good ejaculatory control. However, you’ve had PE for many years, so a self-help approach might not work. If it doesn’t, then I would urge you to consult a sex therapist. Sex therapy has a good track record of teaching men with lifelong PE good ejaculatory control. For best results, both you and your wife should see the therapist together.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life. (The Cure for PE is one chapter of the book, so if you get the book, no need to get the e-booklet.) Or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I with you sizzling sex for life—with good ejaculatory control.

  • JeremyZ says:

    Michael Castleman says, “After around age 60 most men develop erectile dysfunction, and intercourse becomes difficult if not impossible. ” Whoa! I just read on this site about large sexual surveys done at the University of Chicago and the University of California, that say that only about 10 percent of men over sixty have ED more than half the time. The overwhelming conclusions from these surveys are that SOME sexual difficulties are more likely with age, but they’re not nearly as common or severe as people widely believe. And they DEFINITELY don’t say that “intercourse becomes difficult if not impossible” after age 60 !

    As far as “fetishizing” premature ejaculation, that is interesting. It tells me that you still have a strong sex drive, and sexual ability in terms of getting erect and ejaculating. It is perhaps a good way to let yourself “go with the flow” (pun intended) psychologically; i.e., to make use of your premature ejaculation as something to anticipate and enjoy. I also can’t help but wonder though if there is a sexual masochism component to this. In your “fetish”, do you see yourself as being humiliated or failing in the eyes of your wife from prematurely ejaculating? There’s nothing wrong with that, especially if your wife is in on it and cooperates in a little s&m play. Or is it that you have stopped worrying about it and enjoy the act of cumming, perhaps on her instead of in her, as part of the sexual fervor that also involves giving her oral sex? Nothing wrong with that either. You might be transitioning to a stage in your sex life where you — and your wife — might enjoy what’s being termed “outercourse” , which is all kinds of sex play, involving masturbation, oral, maybe some kinds of s&m, or whatever your like, with little or no emphasis on penis-in-vagina intercourse, and happening with or without orgasm. It can go on for hours for some people, and others let it die down into cuddling after the initial fervor; or anything in between. It takes a lot of pressure off by not “having” to have an orgasm; or for that matter not having to be visibly sexually aroused when you are sexually aroused. Your wife may certainly enjoy the relief of not having to worry about the performance aspect of sex being intercourse-centered for a prescribed time period or escalation to orgasm, especially if you give her oral before or after your ejaculation. And it’s probably a relief to you as well. My advice: if you’ve had this “problem” all your life, don’t worry about it, it sounds like you’re handling it well. But don’t assume she understands all of this. You should talk about it, read up on “outercourse”, and enjoy this new style of sex that seems to come with age.

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Yes, that U. of Chicago study says only 10% of men over 60 develop erection difficulties. But that study was seriously flawed. Better research shows that the large majority of men over 60 develop erection problems. For more on these studies, see the “Erection” chapter in my recent book, Sizzling Sex for Life.

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