Talking Dirty: The Origins of Sexual Obscenities

I’m not sure if I have a problem or a fetish. I am a 45-year-old man and married for nearly 20 years. I’m a life long sufferer of PE and tried various things to try and last longer. However, I’ve recently thought of my PE as a fetish which has had the effect of making me even quicker, to the point where I cannot penetrate my wife’s vagina. I do try to satisfy her orally and she says she doesn’t mind me not penetrating her. However, is there a risk that over time the lack of intercourse could effect our emotional connection? The acceptance of my PE as a fetish has made me so quick I’m not sure how I could regain any control.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    In common parlance, a fetish is an unusual interest. But in sexology, it means a non-genital element of sex without which the person can’t become aroused. So foot fetishists can’t become sexually excited without seeing or touching feet. I don’t see how PE could become a fetish, especially since you’d like to overcome it.

    It’s very good that you satisfy your wife orally. I suggest you believe her when she says that cunnilingus to orgasm satisfies her and means she doesn’t miss intercourse. It doesn’t sound like your emotional connection is suffering—as long as you go down on her consistently and she comes from oral play. In fact, that’s the future of your lovemaking. After around age 60 most men develop erectile dysfunction, and intercourse becomes difficult if not impossible. Older couples who remain sexual stop attempting intercourse and go with oral sex—-without losing any emotional connection. So as long as she comes, I wouldn’t worry about a loss of connection between the two of you.

    You say you’ve tried “various things” to last longer. Have you tried my e-booklet, The Cure for PE? If not, I suggest you and your wife work through the program, which helps most men gain good ejaculatory control. However, you’ve had PE for many years, so a self-help approach might not work. If it doesn’t, then I would urge you to consult a sex therapist. Sex therapy has a good track record of teaching men with lifelong PE good ejaculatory control. For best results, both you and your wife should see the therapist together.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life. (The Cure for PE is one chapter of the book, so if you get the book, no need to get the e-booklet.) Or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I with you sizzling sex for life—with good ejaculatory control.

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