Hi! I am 25, and my boyfriend is 49. Despite our huge age difference, we are in love. There is a problem though. He smokes marijuana 2-3 times a day (in a joint or small bong), and it has ruined his erections. He does not maintain one while under the influence and up to many days later. I do not smoke, and would be overjoyed if he would quit. He has been a smoker since he was in high school. It is really having a negative affect on our relationship – though he continues to smoke. He tries to quit, for a few days or so, but generally goes back to smoking right away. Any suggestions?
Your question comes as a bit of a surprise. To the best of my knowledge, marijuana has no reputation for interfering with erection. I’m not denying your boyfriend’s experience, just observing that it’s unusual.
Opinions about sex and marijuana are passionately divided. Some people say they hate to have sex without it, that it enhances the sensuality of lovemaking. Others say weed kills sex, that after smoking, they withdraw into themselves, which creates distance and alienation in the relationship. But like I said, this is the first time I’ve heard of marijuana impairing erection.
You sound convinced that it’s the pot that’s killing his erections. I’m not so sure. He’s 49. Sometime between age 45 and 55, most men notice changes in their erections. Compared to men in their twenties, the erections of middle-aged men no longer rise from fantasy alone, but require fondling, sometimes quite a bit. In addition, middle-aged erections are less firm, and more likely to wilt from minor distractions. So chances are that he’d be having erection issues even if he were not smoking lots of weed.
What time of day do you make love? If it’s late at night, I suggest you try it in the morning. Middle-aged men often have firmer, more reliable erections early in the day when they have more energy. Erections may poop out late at night.
What position do you use for intercourse? In the man-on-top position, men often have difficulty maintaining erection. Try woman-on-top.
What about handjobs and oral sex? Can he maintain an erection in your hand or mouth? Many men can maintain erections during one type of sex buy not another. For some men, vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide enough friction to maintain erection. If that’s the case, you two can de-emphasize vaginal intercourse and play in other ways.
Does your boyfriend drink alcohol when he smokes? Alcohol is a notorious erection killer. If he drinks, I suggest he stop and see what happens to his erections. If he can’t stop drinking, I suggest he consult his doctor or attend an AA meeting.
If you’re right and it really is the marijuana that’s killing his erections, you can’t make him stop smoking. But if he decides he wants to stop, he can attend a meeting of Marijuana Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, or ask his doctor for help quitting. MA and NA meetings are listed in phone books and on the Internet.
If he wants to keep smoking (and it sounds like he does), then I suggest the two of you consult a sex therapist for help resolving this issue. Sex therapists are psychotherapists with special training in sexual issues. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Good luck!
First, if he still has erectile issues after not having smoked for a few days, it is not related to marijuana. Second, I also have never heard of marijuana having a negative effect on erectile performance. If anything, marijuana usually has a positive effect. For me, while in full intoxication, it does cause issues getting an erection, but after the high starts to subside, erections come easier than normal.
If anything is affecting your sex life:1) talk about it, 2) talk to a doctor. My guess is your bf is having normal erectile issues unrelated to the marijuana. And if it is truly affecting you negatively, you have to consider your own needs. Get him to commit to cutting down to once a week for a month and see how that affects your love life, and his life in general. If the sex improves, then you have your answer.
Agree that it most likely is not the pot – but age and possibly pressure. There is a big difference between a man in his 20’s, 30’s 50’s sexually. Dump the wine or beer, but the weed may only make him loose short term memory (what next?). Wait at least half an hour after he smokes – make sure he get up and moves around – exercise is critical. First thing you need to do is not criticize him for his lack – all that does is send the turtle back in it’s shell.
Apparently from what I have read, smoking pot will affect different people differently. This being said I can only offer my personal experience. I am 52 year old man that a couple of weeks ago decided to buy some pot after 20+ years of going without. Other than the buzz one of the most pronounced effects on me has been firmer, longer lasting erections. (Thus my reason for falling upon this forum.) Not that either has been a problem for me before, but lately this effect has been extraordinary.
On a side note if you will, there was another time that I noticed a profound positive change in both my sexual appetite and performance ability. About six years ago I decided to lose weight and ended up dropping 60 pounds from a 6’2″ frame. As the weight fell; appetite, performance and erections rose. Since then I have kept up a regimen of stomach crunches and middle distance running that has only had one sexual side effect: sometimes my significant other tires out before I do. The point of this side note being that if someone slips out of fitness, I can easily see where there are adverse effects in several facets of sex. And if I had to speculate about the positive sexual effects from smoking pot, I would guess it is from the lessening of psychological / emotional pressure.
The bottom line for you and your boyfriend: 1) he should see a physician to rule out any serious problems and 2) he should be working on his cardio and reducing belly fat if either of these are issues for him and 3) put away the pot if it is hurting him (and you).