My husband and I have had great sex for many years. But lately it has been taking me longer to have orgasms and I don’t always have one. He feels frustrated. I have a vibrator I use alone. He knows I have it but refuses to consider using it. He says he’s insulted, that I should only need to use that when he is away, and that if I had a good man I wouldn’t need it. I don’t believe that nor have ever stated it. So I fake orgasms……then use my vibrator to satisfy myself when he is gone. I miss having orgasms with him. What can I do?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Seems to me you have three choices: (1) honesty with your husband about your lack of orgasms with him, (2) continuation of your faking orgasms and satisfying yourself solo, or (3) somehow persuading him to give sex toys a try without revealing the truth about your lack or orgasms.

    First some background: There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Many many women of all ages have trouble having orgasms. One reason is sex that’s focused on intercourse, which provides great stimulation for men, but not much for the clitoris, which sits outside the vagina and above it beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips. Another reason is stress, for example, the resentment you feel about not coming and your husband’s refusal to welcome your vibrator into bed with the two of you. On the other hand, perhaps you COULD have orgasms during intercourse if you and your husband made some minor sexual adjustments. Read the article How To Improve Women’s Chances of Orgasm During Intercourse.

    Now about your question: He thinks you have orgasms with him, hence, he sees no problem and no reason why he should change what he does in bed, no reason to welcome sex toys into your couple sex. If you want him to change his position on toys, I think you’d have to change your position on faking and tell him: “Listen, I don’t come with you. I could if we played with a vibrator together. How about it?” Or something to that effect. Could you say that? It could be a difficult conversation. If you go this route, then I’d suggest a brief course of sex therapy to clear the air about your history of faking, let him vent about being lied to, and then pick up the pieces and reconstruct a sex life that’s mutually honest–and includes a vibrator. To learn how sex therapy works, read the article on it. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    If you can’t bring yourself to tell him about your history of faking, then he has no reason to change his mind about introducing a vibrator into your couple sex. But you might be able to bring your vibrator into couple sex for ANOTHER reasons, for example, sexual spice and fun. Could you tell him that you’re feeling a little bored with your sex? That you’d like something new and different? If you think you might be able to go that route, then read the article Introducing Sex Toys into Partner Sex.

    Finally, a little levity never hurts. There’s a great but little-known movie called The “OH!” in Ohio with Parker Posey, Paul Rudd, Liza Minelli, and Danny DeVito. The OH is orgasm, which Posey can’t have, which frustrates her husband, Rudd. She discovers vibrators and hilarity ensues. This might cut a little too close to the bone for you guys, but this movie just might persuade your husband to give vibrators a try. There’s a link in Mike’s Picks. Good luck, and please keep me informed of your progress.

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