When tongues are dancing, do you find yourself suddenly tongue-tied? Many lovers do. It’s often difficult to say anything in the throes of passion, let alone ask for changes in the way your partner makes love. If you say anything critical, your lover might feel offended. Or think you’re weird. As a result, many people who would like to speak up while lying down can’t find the words. But clamming up when things aren’t quite right means that your pleasure suffers and your partner remains in the dark about what you really want.
If you’re reluctant—or unable—to provide the direction you think your lover needs, here’s a simple, effective, one-word remedy. Simply say “yes” when you enjoy what’s happening, and remain silent when you’re less than thrilled. That’s all there is to it—and it works. Over a few months, just saying “yes” is virtually guaranteed to get you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
Erotic arousal is contagious. The more you show that you’re turned on, the more turned on your lover is likely to become—and provide what clearly arouses you. Sighs, moans, and groans can communicate arousal. But “yes” works better, especially when you say it with feeling: “Oh, God, yes!” or “Ooooo, ye-e-es!” Lovers naturally provide more of whatever elicits that magic word, and less of what’s greeted by silence.
No Need to Say “No,” “Don’t,” or “Stop”
Saying “yes,” largely eliminates the need to say “no,” “don’t,” “not so rough please,” or “stop doing that, you idiot!” It’s easier—and better for relationships—to keep things positive. And once you start saying “yes,” your silence becomes an eloquent—and effortless—way to communicate that what’s happening isn’t ringing your bell.
If you’d like something different that your lover is far from providing, for example, certain manual caresses when you’re receiving oral, “yes” can also help. Say “yes” when your lover does anything close to what you want. By reinforcing successive approximations of your goal behavior, your lover is likely to move closer and closer to what you want.
Talking During Sex?
Once you feel comfortable saying “yes,” chances are you’ll feel better able to make additional comments during sex, for example, loving endearments: “I love you,” or “You’re so sexy,” or “You’re the greatest.” Not that you should feel obligated to say these things during sex. Some couples enjoy it, others don’t. You don’t have to talk during sex. It’s up to you. There’s no right or wrong here. But if the two of you typically say little or nothing, you might enjoy opening your mouths for more than kissing and oral sex. Everyone loves to hear those three little words, and many (most?) enjoy hearing their lovers whisper other endearments. Or expansions on “yes,” for example: “I love that. Don’t stop.” Or perhaps the phrases one might hear in porn. Or a comment after orgasm: “Thank you,” or “Oooh, that was intense.”
Of course, talking during sex might also cause conflict. One of you might prefer sex in silence while the other enjoys a running commentary. One might prefer clinical terms—“penis” and “vagina”—while the other might prefer earthier terms. Discuss this. A good time for such conversations is shortly after your orgasms as you float in afterglow.
Speaking of afterward, beyond general appreciation for your honey, afterglow is a good time to provide any coaching your “yes” comments didn’t quite communicate. You might say: “You know when you stroked me while sucking me, I really liked that.” Or “I love it when you suckle my nipples, but next time, no teeth, okay?”