My man ALWAYS wants rougher sex than I desire. I constantly feel like we are having porno sex. He says there is no such thing. I believe he really just doesn’t know better. He used to watch a lot of porn and no longer does because of my objections. He claims that it is his age that requires more intense stimulation for orgasm. Condoms caused issues he says (I think that is nonsense but we stopped using them years ago anyway). He says he needs oral sex to even get an erection, which is nonsense because I rarely do (I know I’m selfish and lazy). I am significantly younger and have not had children, so my vagiga isn’t the problem. I believe that his years of watching porn has conditioned him to desiring and always having rough sex (And kinky sex, which I’m not into). I’d like an opinion from a thoughtful middle age man, as all my young female friends who date older men agree with me, as well as gay male friends who date older men. I’m tired of porno sex! I’d like to be made love to and not always feel like an object, but he sees no difference. I have asked him to slow down and he does often loose his erection. Is sensual sex forever a lost cause because of his porn conditioning or is it really desensitization because of age?
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I’m so sorry you’re having this problem. I see three elements here, one sexual, one developmental, and the other having to do with power and decision-making in your relationship. On the sex side, you say his sex style is unduly rough and influenced by pornography. The developmental piece is that he’s turned 50. On the power and decision-making side, you say he doesn’t listen to you when you tell him he’s being too rough.
You’re right about porn sex. It’s much rougher than what most women enjoy. Now I have no problem with people watching porn–as long as they understand that it’s fantasy sex, not real sex. Porn has always influenced men’s sex style, but over the past 20 years, porn has become so ubiquitous on the Internet that it’s now men’s leading sex educator–and it teaches sex all wrong (as you know). I suggest you read my article The Real Problem with Porn: It’s Bad for Sex. In it, I discuss two dozen elements of porn that are bad for sex, for example, it’s lack of sensuality and it’s unnecessary roughness. If you share this article with him, or better yet, go over it with him point by point, that might make an impression.
You say he’s 50. While there is no male physiological equivalent of menopause, around age 50, men change sexually. Their erections no longer rise from fantasy alone. Men require direct penis fondling, sometimes very vigorous yanking. Erections also lose some of their former firmness. And minor distractions can cause them to wilt. This unnerves many men. Now, if he needs vigorous, even rough fondling to enjoy sex, that’s fine, he can ask for it and I hope you provide. He can demonstrate for you what he needs. But some men don’t have it together to ask or show or don’t realize what they’re doing when they treat their lovers more roughly in hopes that the women in their lives will take the hint and provide more vigorous stimulation for THEM. I suggest you read my article Weak Erections? Or Erectile Dysfunction? You might also read the other articles on erections and ED because around age 50, men start to become concerned about their sexual future–and wonder if they’ll have one. They do, even in the worst case if they can no longer raise erections at all, even with the drugs. Check out my article, Great Sex Without Intercourse.
Now about your power and decision-making issue. If he doesn’t listen to you, if he doesn’t take your complaints seriously, he’s either clueless or an ass. For relationships to work, the partners must listen to each other and take one another seriously. If he’s an ass, then you might have to reconsider the relationship. But if he’s basically a decent guy, just clueless sexually, then I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists are psychotherapists with special training in sexual issues. Typically, sex therapy involves weekly hour-long consultations for a few months. Studies show that two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists report substantial sexual improvement. For more about sex therapy, read An Intimate Look At Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Good luck and if I can be of any further assistance, please write again.