Hello, I’ve read your posts about masturbation and porn. I’m still concerned
about my boyfriend. We have a lot of sex. For example, yesterday we had sex
five times. Three times while watching porn together as this really arouses
both of us. When we have sex without watching porn, he can not ejaculate
inside of me, no matter how long we go on for. When we watch porn he
ejaculates inside of me, no problem. After our session (over the course of
six hours) of five times, I woke up this morning and caught him watching and
masturbating to porn. This is not the first time its happened and it really
hurts me. I don’t understand why he needs to still watch it after ejaculating
five times merely 5 hours ago. Does he have a problem? Am I too over
sensitive about it and should just let him masturbate as often as he can?
When he is on facebook, he is always looking at naked pics as well. I’ve told
him many times I find it disrespecting towards me, and he keeps doing it. He
also can’t tell me why. He always says, I don’t know. Like when I caught him
this morning, he didn’t explain himself. Just tried to initiate sex with me
afterwards and I eventually gave in as I have a high sex drive. Any advice is
appreciated.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    The short answer is: I don’t know why your boyfriend feels the need to masturbate to porn so soon after sex with you. It seems he doesn’t know either, or won’t say.

    Here’s the longer answer: Men use porn as a masturbation aid, and they masturbate largely for emotional self-soothing, to take a little vacation from everyday cares, responsibilities, and woes. Without pushing the metaphor too far, it’s kinda similar the way many women use shopping for emotional self-soothing—it’s even called “retail therapy.” People who shop to self-soothe buy things, then very quickly return to shopping. Not that they need more stuff. Just that shopping feels comforting. Would it be fair for him to ask you to stop shopping and pay more attention to him? You should pay attention to him, but you can probably do that while continuing to self-soothe by shopping. I’d say the same goes for him. To make your relationship work, he needs to shower you with lots of attention and affection … but if he does that to your satisfaction, in my opinion, he should still be able to self-soothe however he chooses.

    Does his masturbation signal a problem in your relationship or in his mental health? The former is up to you to decide. You guys certainly have a lot of sex, and sex usually falls apart when there are significant relationship problems, so I infer that your relationship is more or less okay. As for the latter, porn becomes a problem when it interferes with the man’s life and responsibilities: school, work, family, relationship, friendships. If your boyfriend is doing fine in his life, I’d say he doesn’t have a “porn problem.” Some men zone out watching sports on TV. Others watch porn. To me, the issue is not what they watch, but are their lives okay? If your boyfriend’s life is rolling along okay and if your relationship is okay, then why object to the way he self-soothes?

    About his inability to ejaculate inside you without porn: Ejaculatory difficulties are fairly common in men but don’t get much publicity. For background, I suggest you read my low-cost e-article, Can’t Get There? Help for Orgasm/Ejaculation Problems. It presents a self-help version of the program sex therapists have developed to deal with this challenge. The program helps men expand on their ejaculatory ability , extending it to ejaculating under other circumstances. So he can ejaculate no problem while the two of you are watching porn. He might expand on that by slowly turning down the volume and/or brightness of the screen, so that over time, he ejaculates while seeing and hearing progressively less of the porn, and after a few months, none. As he sees/hears less porn during your partner sex, he should feel free to replace the porn with his own erotic fantasies, whatever they may be.

    Finally, a word about your current sexual frequency. Five times in a day is a whole lotta sex, way more than most couples have, more than even most young couples just fallen madly in love. I suspect you’re in your teens or twenties. Older folks just can’t manage that much sex. So enjoy it while you have it, but going forward, please understand that your frequency is likely to decline—and that’s fine.

    I hope this helps. I wish you great sex.

  • botwin says:

    Michael, while presenting yourself as a self proclaimed expert in sexuality, so much so, that youve even chosen to recklessly offer advise on such a complex subject as sex. I am disappointed as to the glaring inadequacy of basic knowledge towards porn, masterbation, and intimate relationships lacking in your response to the young ladies concerns. Feel free to hop on Google and search (Porns Impact on Relationships) for a crash course on Porn’s responsibilty for Men’s skewed perception of women, sex and their own underlying sexual dysfunction. Porn’s also responsible for flooding women with feelings of rejection and sexual inadequacy with their partner. Research shows this is directly linked to a woman’s declining sexual desire. The theory that women are becoming less and less interested in sex with ever lowering sexual desires has been debunked by recent studies.
    While men are pacifying themselves with porn, their Partner is left feeling emotionally abandoned and sexually replaced. This chain of events results in couples isolating from each other, declining intimacy, feelings of betrayal, and broken trust. A lot of destruction in the wake of such a common yet preventable action.
    Please read this article (Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed).
    https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/porn-makes-men-terrible-in-bed—6e4df5f73200

    Starter Solutions
    Women statistically hesitate to share with there Partner how porn makes them feel. Men are not keen at picking up kues, so ladies please take responsibility and tell them. Men need to realize the powerful impact of porn. Recent studies are corroborating theories that porn is responsible for the drastically growing number of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION and performance difficulties in men of all ages.
    http://www.jaysongaddis.com/the-cost-of-porn-on-men/

    One has to decide if Porn is worth the loss of actual physical sexual interaction with your partner.

    http://www.jaysongaddis.com/the-cost-of-porn-on-men/

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