I want to seek your advice on how to deal with a big desire difference between me and my partner. My preferred frequency is around 4 times a month, while he wants to do it every day. A huge gap. But what makes it more difficult is that when I do it just because he wants to, it creates a mental barrier in my head. In my previous relationship, my partner treated me like an object to fulfill his sexual desires without any emotional connection and that has left baggage, which affects my current relationship. I’m just not into doing it when I’m not in the mood. Also, the fact that he wants it more aggressive with little foreplay makes me feel all the more resistant towards it. At the same time, my partner is finding it difficult to cope with his frustration of not being able to make out. He told me that guys imagine real women to masturbate and that includes my close friends as well. But he feels guilty imagining other girls and feels like he is cheating on me in a way. But he doesn’t know how to overcome his problem and frustration associated. Please help.
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I see three issues: (1) your desire difference, (2) his lack of foreplay, and (3) his fantasies of your friends when he masturbates.
Desire differences are an issue in just about every long-term relationship. They’re also a top reason why couples consult sex therapists. There’s no “right” sexual frequency, just what the two people work out. And you have a big one to work out—once a week vs. once a day. In such situations, neither of you can expect to have it entirely your way. You have to compromise on a frequency you can both live with more or less comfortably. for example twice a week. But what I suggest doesn’t matter. It’s what the two of you work out. I suggest you read my low-cost article, Desire Differences: How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Them. It may help.
About his lack of foreplay. Many men unschooled in the fine points of lovemaking rush into intercourse without allowing the warm-up time most women need. I suggest that you both read two more of my low-cost articles: Forget “Foreplay,” Cultivate Loveplay, and Caressing Women: Advanced Erotic Tips for Men.
About his fantasies of your friends, I believe in freedom of fantasy. I believe that it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner. In other words, people are free to fantasize anything they can imagine with anyone they can imagine. Fantasies are harmless. People just have to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. For more, I suggest another low-cost article: Fantasies During Sex: Welcome Them.
You may very well make progress if the two of you read and discuss the articles I’ve suggested. And for not much more, you might purchase my low-cost e-book that contains all those articles plus 130 more on all aspects of lovemaking.
But you also have scars from your previous relationship, and they might not heal using just self-help resources. You might benefit from individualized counseling provided by a sex therapist. If you’re unfamiliar with how sex therapy works, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. And best of luck resolving these issues.