unhappy couple having conflict in bed at home

My wife and I have been married 12 years and have 3 children. We have been through the usual ups and downs, including very different ideas about sex. Sex between us used to be her getting naked, laying on the bed and saying something like, “I’ve only got so much time…”. I did get her to change a bit from that and after a lot of work she eventually got to where she would wear lingerie. But the constant in our sex is that she generally does not kiss, she keeps her eyes closed, and after a few orgasms she makes it obvious that she is ready for a nap. During sex I will generally have to ask her about some form of group sex scenario to get much of a rise out of her. When I finish, she immediately gets up to go to the bathroom and then at best she will come back and sort of cuddle for a short time and then she gets up. In the end, I feel like a non distinct “f@ck buddy” or a living sex toy for her to have multiple orgasms. She rarely touches me and also does not mention anything about me being sexually attractive or being good in bed. In all previous relationships, there was a normal give and take of such communication. I have talked about this with her but we have reached a sort of dead end. I am not sure that I can stay married or faithful due to the effect this has on me and my sexual desire for her, which has now reached close to zero.

Thanks for any help!


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m sorry you’re in pain, and sympathize with your plight. It must be very difficult to be with a woman who rarely kisses and clearly doesn’t value sex—which raises questions about how much she values you. You must decide for yourself if you can continue in the marriage. But before you do anything drastic, I have some suggestions:

    • You say she shuts down “after a few orgasms.” Hmm. A rapid series of pelvic muscle contractions constitutes one orgasm. A small proportion of women can have multiple orgasms, but given your wife’s lack of sexual interest, it seems unlikely she’s one of them. Perhaps you think each muscle contraction is one orgasm so she has several. Or perhaps you’re not really clear on women’s orgasms—and the fact that few have them during intercourse. To come, the large majority of women need gentle, direct, extended caresses of the clitoris, the little nub that sits outside the vagina, an inch or so above it beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips. If you’re not providing clitoral caresses, especially oral sex (cunnilingus), it’s possible she doesn’t have orgasms, which might explain some of her antipathy toward lovemaking. For more about women’s orgasms and how best to help women get there, read the chapter on women’s orgasms in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life.

    • Beyond the issue of her orgasms, I urge you to consult a sex therapist. Ideally, you’d do this together. But if she won’t accompany you, then I hope you go by yourself. A sex therapist can help you vent, explore possible approaches with your wife, and perhaps help you persuade her to join you in sex therapy. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework” for couples. It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you sizzling sex for life—or at least regular lovemaking with a wife who actually wants to have sex with you.

  • eoz says:

    Hi Michael,
    Thanks for your prompt and informative response! As far as my wife and her desire and the orgasms go, it’s like this: she never says no to sex (which is great) but as stated before, it is like I do not exist as a special person to her, and as far as the orgasms go, they always come with criteria stimulation with oral sex or while I am inside her at the same time… she has the spasms, gets more wet and then I need to ease up on touching her for a short bit. I think those are orgasms but I could be wrong. I will definitely look up a sex therapist near me and get some of your books as well.


  • eoz says:

    Damn spelling correct! Clitoral stimulation, not CRITERIA.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.