I’m in my 60s and my wife is in her 50s. We don’t just tolerate each other, we love each other. She says that if it were up to her, she would have sex maybe twice a year. I cannot live with that. I try talking to her gently and calmly but nothing helps. She always has an excuse, some of which are perfectly legit. She is tired, does not feel well, has to get up early, has too much work now, etc. However I still feel that there has to be a way to convince her to have sex. HELP !!!!
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I feel for you. Desire differences are virtually inevitable in long-term relationships, and when they’re bad, like yours is, they can drive people crazy. Desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists.
You can’t “convince” her to have sex with you. Rational arguments are beside the point. Fortunately, sex therapists have developed a program to help couples with serious desire differences. My article, “You Never Want To!” “You’re Insatiable!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences, may help. I suggest you purchase it.
If the article doesn’t provide sufficient relief, I would urge you to consult a sex therapist for individualized counseling that addresses not just your desire difference but also the resentments that develop because of it. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, see the movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones or read my article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy. To find a therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Ideally, the therapist should see both of you together. But if your wife refuses to go, I would urge you to go solo. The therapist may still be able to suggest productive strategies.
Good luck!