My husband and I have always had an active sex life. Then a few months ago, I noticed he didn’t really show much interest in fucking anymore. He made excuses like he’s tired or stressed, and even said he just doesn’t think about sex much anymore. Then I discovered he was watching porn regularly. This is not a big issue as we have always enjoyed porn together. I asked him how often and he told me 2 or 3 times a week. In actuality it was 5 to 8 times a day. If he did actually try to have sex, he could not really get a full erection. Then I caught him hugging a younger woman at work and was told by his friend that they are always talking and hugging. I don’t think he cheated or even that he would cheat. But this girl has the same body type and looks as the repeat searches in his porn history. Now I can’t seem to stop hating myself. I don’t look like these women. I’m not ugly. I feel unattractive but definitely not unfuckable if you’ll pardon the word. But I feel like I can never be what he wants. Literally. Even with surgery or diet or meds, I could never be like these women he prefers to see naked. Whenever I see a woman with those attributes, I hate myself. Of course my husband says I’m being silly. He wears he’s attracted to me. But still no full erection or even a quarter of the attention I used to get. If he flirts or makes a sexy comment to me I feel like he is forcing it. It feels fake. I feel like my life as I knew it is gone. I hate myself and my husband thinks I’m going nuts because after 15 years I suddenly let porn bother me. It truly never has. We have been swingers in the past. I’m not that person anymore. But I feel like we have lost something in our relationship. Any hope? Or should I just accept that he doesn’t get aroused by me anymore?
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The way you tell your story makes sense: After a rich sex life with you, he lost interest in you and cut you off to watch young nubile women in porn, while at work hugging a gal similar to his porn fantasies, which proves he’s no longer interested in you.
There’s also another way to frame the situation: I’m guessing your husband is over 45. That’s the time of life when men start to experience erection changes. They don’t have erectile dysfunction exactly. Sexologists call it “erection dissatisfaction.” Men with erection dissatisfaction can still get it up. But their erections, once effortlessly firm, now don’t rise as fast, don’t become as firm, and wilt from minor distractions. Many men find this very unnerving and embarrassing, fearing it’s the beginning of the end of sex for them. But instead of turning to their lovers for support, they withdraw from partner sex and seek solace in porn because it’s easier to raise and maintain erections solo while watching porn than it is with partners. You might ask him if erection dissatisfaction explains his sudden porn obsession.
About hugging the woman at work, that’s a yellow flag to me because it raises the possibility of infidelity.
I urge you to consult a sex therapist to sort all this out: his withdrawal from you, his much moire frequent porn use, his behavior with the woman at work. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If your husband won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you great sex.
It sounds like you both have had, and are used to having, a strong sex drive and libido. But it can start to wane in one’s 40s. (I haven’t heard the term “erection dissatisfaction” before, but it fits!)
Another factor to consider is that you’re both putting pressure on yourselves to be sexy. You’re used to being sexy, especially with him being the pursuer/performer and you the attractive one who gets all his sexual attention. Erection dissatisfaction can cause him to make excuses for avoiding sex (and thus avoiding embarrassment). And this can send you into despair, as you say it obviously does. And frustrated with the situation.
I think you’re both sexually alive and interested. But half the problem is you. You’re both not coping well with the fact that sexual performance begins to decline in the 40s. His performance decline is more visible and defeating, whereas yours might mean being slower to get aroused and thus relying more on pre-arousal, foreplay, and just enjoying sexy flirtation, talk and attraction. Women typically take longer to get aroused than men and are more verbal (i.e., less physical) about it anyway, so the midlife change in yourself is maybe more gradual or not as noticeable: you just need a little more of the presexual appreciation, flirtation, etc. that leads to your own arousal. But he might see that as an incessant demand for something that he fears he can’t come to completion with.
I think if he tried to have sex with the woman at work, the same erectile dissatisfaction would occur.
It can be a big hurdle for a man to face these difficulties. Especially if your sexual overtures are just causing him more anxiety about performing. You should change your sexual interaction (or attempts) with him so instead of being anxiety-provoking, they are performance-neutral and enhance pleasure—whatever form that may take. You could try going naked in front of him in everyday activities, or having him do the same, but make the emphasis on being sensual, not sexual. You could, I don’t know, tell him you want to feel more sensual so you’re just going to be naked around the house sometimes and you don’t expect sexual arousal from it, either in him or yourself. Sexual arousal wouldn’t be off-limits, but if you make actual sexual contact and interaction off-limits, at least for a while, then he’d feel less pressure to perform and feel more able to be sexual in a gentler, extended foreplay type of way but without the anxiety. Tell him you don’t expect him to be visibly aroused at all; and that if either of you gets aroused, it doesn’t mean the other one has to get aroused, too. My wife often goes naked, and it’s kind of sexual but yet it isn’t at the same time. Sometimes I can’t resist the urge to fondle or kiss her breasts, and it gives a mild, momentary sexual charge to us both, but we leave it at that. It’s better than nothing. Maybe the sustained presence of a naked wife would give him some kind of sexual satisfaction even if it’s not intercourse; and the constant advertisement of a naked woman actually would get him aroused sometimes enough to engage in sex with you. And don’t worry about your body: all (well, most) porn models have the “ideal” body, but simple nakedness can be a sexual turn-on with any body type because it shows something vulnerable and taboo. So keep the door open and the light on, but with no cover charge, so to speak.
And at this stage of his life, ED drugs, even a low dose, might be the boost he needs. You should talk about that with him, too. Impaired sexual ability is NOT the same as impaired sexual desire and it doesn’t mean he no longer wants you. But he could use some proof that you still are flattered by his sexual desire and that you appreciate him for it, even without the “performance” aspect. That is, you should make sure his sexual desire is acknowledged and recognized. Like it or not, the desire will have to be a little de-coupled from the performance until these changes are dealt with.