My wife’s libido has lessened in the last couple of years. We’re both 55 and have been married for over 30 years. Now sex seems like an afterthought for her. Meanwhile, my desire has increased. She often says she wants it but then she’s taken to bathing late at night, knowing I will fall asleep before she gets out of the tub. So no deal. Please help. I’ve tried many different paths to deal with this, but with a college aged child still living at home, it’s not too easy to be spontaneous.
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I’m not surprised that your desire has increased. You’re feeling frustrated that you’re not getting any, so combine your libido with your frustrations about her avoiding sex and that’s a formula for horniness.
You say you’ve tried “many different paths,” so I won’t urge you to talk it over. I’m sure you’ve talked it to death. But I have two suggestions. First, read the article “You’re Insatiable!” “You never want to.” How to Resolve Desire Differences. It may help.
If it doesn’t, then I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist. Ideally you’d go together. If she balks, thinking that the therapist is going to lean on her to have sex more often, that WON’T happen. Sex therapists don’t take sides. What the therapist can do is help you guys get past the resentments that have built up over this, and help you negotiate a frequency you can both live with. Desire differences are one of the leading reasons couples consult sex therapists, so any therapist should have many ideas. To find one hear you visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. A few months of weekly sessions is all most couples need.
And if your wife refuses to go, I’d urge you to go by yourself. Of course, going solo is suboptimal but you may still benefit—and the fact that you’re going let’s your wife know how important the issue is to you.
This could be as simple as a change in time of day for sex – – she wants to be clean and you fall asleep – perhaps she sees you fall asleep on her.
Around here it was opposite – – but sex only at bedtime is often an afterthought – too tired, too routine. If it’s only at the end of the day, try a better way to start the day.