I’m 49 and my wife is 50…She said that she has NO sex drive. Is it me?? We used to have great sex…………………How can we get back to the old us??? Thanks for your help!!
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I’m 49 and my wife is 50…She said that she has NO sex drive. Is it me?? We used to have great sex…………………How can we get back to the old us??? Thanks for your help!!
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© 2009 - 2024 Michael Castleman
The brevity of your question makes it difficult to offer constructive suggestions. If you provide more details, that would help. But here are some things to think about:
You ask, “Is it me?” It might be if you think sex should proceed as it does in pornography, with minimal kissing, cuddling, playfulness, lubricant, and mutual whole body massage, and most of the action focused on genital sex. Of course, great sex involves the genitals, but it’s not preoccupied with them. Men often try to imitate what they see in the fantasy world of porn, but the fantasy doesn’t translate to reality. Most women absolutely need at least 30 minutes of what’s usually called “foreplay” before genital sex. If you don’t revel in leisurely, playful, extended whole-body sensuality, I urge you to explore that. For more information read: Women Know Best, Caressing Women, Whole-Body Massage, Forget “Foreplay,” and The Most Important Sexual Statistic.
Menopause might have something to do with it. Many women experience libido decline or loss during the menopausal transition. Some lose their sexual interest entirely, but most retain some interest, and interest may rebound somewhat as women enter their late 50s. I suggest you read Menopause and Women’s Sexuality, and Men and Menopause.
Loss of lubrication might be involved. During the menopausal transition, natural lubrication fades and women often suffer vaginal dryness, which can feel uncomfortable, even painful, and derail libido. Read the article on Lubricants.
It’s possible that she has an androgen deficiency. This can occur during menopause. Androgens are the female version of testosterone, which fuels libido in both men and women. For more, read Androgens.
In addition, there are many more reasons that might explain why she’s lost her libido. If the articles don’t provide sufficient insight, then I’d urge you both to consult a sex therapist. The therapist won’t tell her to have more sex and won’t tell you to make do with none. The therapist will explore the many many reason why you may be experiencing this issue and help you guy negotiate a mutual accommodation that works for you. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. For more read An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy. And good luck!
By Paula Spencer Scott
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD
Know that old song, “Where Did Our Love Go?” Many women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are asking, “Where did our sex go?” Loss of desire is common among women in the years before and after menopause. Desire problems peak between ages 35 to 64.
Hormones don’t deserve all the blame, though. The causes of lost sex drive are complex. Here are some of the top factors behind “hypoactive sexual desire disorder,” and what can be done.
How Do You Find Time to Do “It”
“I tell my kids, a locked door in the morning means Mom and Dad are having time together. And sometimes my husband and I schedule to take time off when the kids are at school just to share some special moments; then we really steam things up!” — A.L., 46, Columbus, NJ “When my son was young, he hated naps, so we’d let him play in his room while Mom and Dad ‘took a nap.’ He never knew what we really did.” — J.Y., 53, Sodus, NY “My husband and I set our alarm early and make love before…
Sex Drive Zapper: Estrogen Changes
Before menopause, your sex drive peaked just before and after you ovulated. But when your periods stop, estrogen dips, and those revved-up days in your cycle are gone.
Menopausal women may respond less to touch, too, and find it harder to get aroused. Less estrogen also means less blood flow to the vagina, and more dryness. So when you do have sex, it can hurt. Who wants sex that feels bad?
What helps: First, stop the pain. Try over-the-counter water-based lubricants. Ask your doctor about prescription medications to fight dryness: There are oral drugs available, as well as vaginal creams, which have fewer side effects than oral hormones.
Traditional hormone replacement therapy doesn’t seem to kindle desire for most women. What it can do is ease hot flashes and other symptoms that leave you feeling not-so-sexy.
Sex Drive Zapper: Life Stress
At midlife, many women are deep into a marriage, a job, raising teens, and caregiving. Any of these can amp up stress, and stress puts your sex drive in park. Avoiding sex can, in turn, cause tension with your partner. Low desire is more common in long-term relationships. Because all this happens at once, it may seem like menopause is the cause, but there are many factors.
What helps: Take the focus off intercourse. Spend more time on foreplay and try other kinds of sex play, such as massage and oral sex. Seek out short-term couples counseling when your sex life hits a rough patch.
Sex Drive Zapper: Androgen Changes
In both sexes, desire tends to fall as we get older. Women are two to three times more prone to a drop in desire. In part, blame dropping androgens — male hormones that are also found in women.
What helps: There’s no FDA-approved male hormone therapy for women with sexual problems, but some doctors prescribe creams off-label for some women. The major problem with this type of treatment in women is the side effects, which include acne and excess body and facial hair. Being mindful of diet, sleep, and exercise can help restore libido.
There’s good news about aging and sex, too: Time. Many women report feeling an uptick in desire after menopause.