I’d really appreciate your insight on this matter. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, and he uses porn to arouse himself before having sex with me. I’m very open to all his fantasies as I have mine, and I’m open to watching porn together and no problem with
masturbating. But I’ve discovered him using porn in secret behind my back. That makes me feel low like I’m not good enough. Its’s been big hit to my self-esteem. I’ve tried to talk to him about the matter in a calm rational way, but he got angry and refuses to talk to me. All I asked him was what he liked about it in hopes that I could fulfill any fantasies he might have. I’m feeling very hurt emotionally.
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First, I tip my hat that you’re okay with joining him in watching porn and masturbating together to it. Many women wouldn’t think of doing that.
Now about your loss of self-esteem that he watches by himself: Please try not to see this as any criticism of you. It’s not. It’s about self-soothing. The two genders do it differently. When women feel stressed, estrogen pushes them to talk with friends. When men feel stressed, testosterone pushes them to masturbate, often to porn. Should he feel threatened/replaced/disrespected or not good enough when you choose to talk with friends instead of only with him? Of course not. You love him, but you also enjoy the perspectives and camaraderie your girlfriends provide. Similarly, I’m confident that he loves you, but testosterone is a powerful force that impels men to masturbate for self-soothing and many men feel the need to do that often and by themselves. I’m sure you fire his erotic imagination, but you can’t meet all of his sexual needs, specifically his need to stroke solo.
Why won’t he talk about it? I don’t know him so I don’t know. However, he may feel his privacy was invaded. How would you feel if he insisted discussing conversations you’ve had with friends that you considered confidential? It’s okay for spouses to reserve some privacy from each other—in the bathroom, and in other situations, too.
Please try not to feel hurt. You sound like a very sex-positive women. That’s marvelous. I’m sure you’re plenty good enough for him and that he loves you deeply. Just sometimes, he needs a little time to himself. We all do.
I wish you great sex.