I am in desperate need of advice to increase sex in my relationship. Me and my girlfriend are both 19. When we first got together, we had a lot of sex, and it was amazing. We are now four months in and the sex has dropped to once every two weeks. Initially when she would deny me I would become visibly upset and she would see that. I then figured out it’s best not to show it. Now I am not sure what to do. I am thinking it’s maybe because she no longer feels attracted to me. She has stated she feels like she wear the pants in the relationship. I have also cried in front of her many times and expressed my emotional side a lot. I have since stopped that. Do you think the sex has stopped due to me not showing enough masculinity and assertiveness? Either way, I would love to here your input and find something I can do.
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Based on your brief description, I have no idea exactly why your sexual frequency has fallen off, or if your behavior—getting upset, crying, etc.—has had much to do with it. It’s possible that your gf is simply no longer into you. It’s also possible that being just 19, neither of you has had much experience negotiating the zillion issues involved in maintaining an ongoing relationship. I just don’t know.
Here’s something I do know. When couples first get together, they can’t keep their hands off each other. But the hot-and-heavy period lasts only a few months to a year or so, as you’ve discovered. After that, ardor almost inevitably cools. If both people have the same decrease in desire, there’s no problem. But in the vast majority of couples, one continues to want more sex than the other, and a desire difference develops, which can drive people crazy, as you’ve discovered. Desire differences are the #1 sex problem long-term couples report, and toxic desire differences are the #1 reason couples see sex therapists. So there’s nothing unusual about your situation. It’s almost inevitable.
What to do about it? You have 3 choices: Live with things as they are. Change them. Or end the relationship. If you can’t live with the current situation, and you don’t want to break up, you have only one option—work together to find a sexual frequency you can both live with comfortably. How can you do that? I humbly offer my new book, “Sizzling Sex for Life.” One of its 52 chapters deals specifically with desire differences: “‘You’re insatiable!’ ‘You never want to!’ How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences.” The book presents a do-it-yourself version of the sex therapy program. If you two consult a sex therapist, it’ll cost you at least $1000. The self-help program in my book provides the same information for the price of a pizza.
In addition, you’re both 19. I’m 71 and have been sexually active for more than 50 years. This old man guesses that you still have a good deal to learn about the fine points of mutually satisfying lovemaking. I bet Sizzling Sex contains a good deal of other information that you would find beneficial, for example, the 10 ingredients of sizzling sex, how to ask for what you want in bed, and how to bring women to great orgasms every time.
I urge you to consider purchasing a copy. If you’d like one, visit Amazon or SizzlingSexForLife.com.
I wish you sizzling sex for life!
I’m curious how exactly your girlfriend said that she wears the pants in the relationship. Was it a complaint? Was it a statement of domination? Was it maybe just a casual use of the phrase as a way of saying ‘no’ to having sexual intercourse when you were nagging her about it, to emphasize that she is the “gatekeeper” of sexual frequency? This is just a thought, but maybe she likes to be in the dominant role sexually and would entertain the idea of doing some actual bdsm with you. Or it may be that your relationship COULD be on the edge of failure and the sex desire discrepancy is just a symptom of that. It’s hard to tell from what you wrote, but if the sexual bdsm is there in the background but unspoken, then you may be unconsciously acting out a submissive role, and her a dominant role, without realizing it. It could be helpful to look at bdsm pornography or stories together or somehow bring up bdsm as a sexual option to see what she thinks about it. But as Mike says maybe she’s just losing interest in you and, like many young women nowadays, she feels entitled or even obligated to be the dominant one in any relationship with men. If that is true AND you do harbor unconscious masochistic desires, then submitting to her in the hope that she will become more sexual with you is doomed to fail. It will only bring you unwanted, and very non-sexual, humiliation and bitterness. She might seem like the whole sexual world to you right now but you ARE only 19 and there are many, many other types of women out there. Play the field and get some more experience. Not everyone is like her.