unhappy middle aged couple

I’m 58 and have difficulty ejaculating. Sometimes it happens with oral or with intercourse, just not very often. My companion really wants me to come inside her, and so do I, but too often, I lose my erection before the big moment. It feels like there’s a lack of stimulation when I’m inside her. I don’t “feel” anything. Lubrication isn’t an issue, she has plenty and we aren’t bashful about using synthetic lube. For reasons of knee pain and the fact that we’re overweight, the only intercourse position that works is her lying on her back and me on my right side with my torso at a right angle to hers. Missionary hurts my knees and I’m too tall, compared to her, for doggie to work comfortably. Do you have any suggestions to continue the stimulation on the head of my penis to build up an ejaculation after penetration?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Your situation is not at all unusual. Older men often develop problems with ejaculation/orgasm for several reasons:

    (1) The nervous system becomes less “excitable” with age. This means it takes more stimulation for ejaculation and orgasm to happen. It’s also part of the reason you don’t “feel” anything during intercourse. Sex therapists often tell older men, “You don’t have to ejaculate every time.” That’s true, but if she really wants you to come inside her, taking a break from ejaculating doesn’t help.

    (2) It’s more difficult to maintain erotic focus. Aches and pains can distract from erotic focus, You have some, so they may be contributing to your situation. Have you considered some pain medication before sex? Advil?

    (3) Drugs and drug side effects. You didn’t mention drugs, but many older people take one or more. Many drugs cause ejaculation problems, and quite a few have side effects that include ejaculatory difficulty, notably, antidepressants. To see if you’re taking medication that may cause ejaculatory problems, read the article Drugs That May Cause Sex Problems. If you’re taking one or more, ask your doctor if another drug can be substituted.

    What to do? Here are a few quick suggestions:

    (1) During intercourse, in addition to the old in-out, also stroke your penis by hand (your hand or hers). This may provide the extra stimulation you need to get over the hump. (It may take some practice to figure out how to do this.) Or try pressing a vibrator against your penis or scrotum. The extra stimulation may help.

    (2) Make love earlier in the day. Many older lovers find that at night, they’re too pooped to pop. Make love before noon and you’re likely to have more erotic energy, including energy for ejaculation and orgasm.

    (3) Try some anal massage in addition to intercourse. Now, you may have objections to anal play, and if you do, you’re under no obligation to do this. But some men find that adding anal sphincter massage and/or fingering to intercourse helps the man come. For more on this, read the article Anal Play—Without Pain.

    And for a more detailed discussion of this issue, read my article on Ejaculation Problems.

  • HM says:

    I had the same problem until my gf had this idea that if she’d stuff her thumb in my mouth it might help me relax, the old thumb sucking = relaxation gambit. It worked incredibly. She’s an adult thumb sucker and, so, the idea. Now she thinks I should start sucking my thumb too since it relaxes me! Anyway, it works all the time. 🙂

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