I am 52 years old. The man I am dating is 45. I love so many things about him, he’s funny, witty, slow to anger and the list could go on and on. He is a good kisser and I haven’t been this turned on in years, BUT he takes FOREVER (2 to 3 hours) to reach orgasm and what started out as great for the first half hour has now turned into exhausting ordeal. Sex takes hours. I’ve never heard of this before. He says it’s not me, that I turn him on wonderfully. He just says he’s always had a long “hang time”. But, I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship because of it. I don’t want to break up with him, but I just don’t have the energy to keep up with him and I don’t want to dread having sex. Is there anything I can do or a doctor could do??? He does have back trouble and frequent kidney stones, but like I said, he has been like this all his life. He says his ex-wife kicked him to the curb because of it. I don’t want to reject him, but I’m at my wits end. Help me if you can. Thanks so much! MJW
You man’s problem goes by various names, among them: non-ejaculation and ejaculatory inhibition. It’s less prevalent–and much less widely known–than erection impairment and premature ejaculation, but an estimated 10 percent of men suffer it at some point in life, so there’s nothing uniquely odd about your guy.
Non-ejaculation is the opposite of premature ejaculation. In the latter, the man ejaculates too quickly. In the former, he has trouble ejaculating at all, or can’t.
I’m not surprised that your lover is a wonderful man. Guys with ejaculatory problems often are. In fact, according to sex therapists, a major causes of this condition is the man focusing too intently on the woman’s pleasure and not enough on his own. This problem is quite curable, but the cure involves his being willing to focus more attention on his own pleasure.
Some couples can cure ejaculation difficulties with a self-help approach. I discuss it in the article on Ejaculation and Orgasm Problems. But you say he’s struggled with this situation his entire sexual life, so it might be too cemented to respond to self-help. I’d still recommend the article as background, but if the self-help approach doesn’t resolve things within a few months, I’m confident that a few months of weekly sessions with a sex therapist would. For more on sex therapy, read the article, An Intimate Look At Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Dear Mr. Castleman,
Thank you for your response. I wouldn’t have found it if I hadn’t checked my spam folder though.
I put you all down as “not spam” so hopefully that won’t happen again. I will check out all the articles you recommended and again, Thank you, because I do love this man and I so want to work this out.