Hi, I’ve been married for 28 years and now we are having major marital issues. First, his cheating with the co worker for many years, undetected because I trusted him. Second, he pays me very little attention and rarely wants to have sex and is addicted to porn. I feel hopeless and helpless and ugly and fat. I’m afraid my husband doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve tried everything including wearing sexy lingerie. Please help me.
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See a couples therapist. Your problem is much more marital than sexual: his long-time affair, your trust betrayed, his lack of interest in you. These are serious relationship issues.
Of course, relationship issues spill over into the realm of sex. When couples have marital issues, the sex almost always suffers. And I wouldn’t blame his behavior on “porn addiction.” Virtually ALL men watch porn, some more than others, of course, but recently Canadian researchers wanted to compare how men who have never seen porn compare with those who have. They advertised extensively for men who’d never viewed porn–and couldn’t find any. When marriages are good, men view porn, and when they go bad, men watch porn. This isn’t about his porn habit. It’s about your marriage.
Which is why I urge you to seek marriage counseling. If he won’t go with you, please go yourself. Going solo is sub-optimal but if he refuses, a therapist can give you space to vent, and may be able to suggest some coping tools you can try. I urge you to find a therapist.