I’m a 60-year-old woman with a high sex drive. I’m in a new relationship with a 71-year-old man. I’m falling in love with him, but we haven’t been intimate yet. I’m worried that he won’t be able to satisfy me sexually. Intercourse is very important to me. We are talking about living together but sometimes I’m not sure I’d be happy. I don’t know what to do. Ideas?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You raise two issues: desire and repertoire.

    About desire: I urge you to tell him about your very active libido asap. At 71, I’m confident he understands his and can tell you how often he feels comfortable making love, both during the initial brief hot-and-heavy period and afterward. Then you can negotiate the issue and see if you can arrive at a frequency you both can live with comfortably. He may well have less desire than you have. Many women want sex more often than their men, especially when the men are elderly. I urge you to address the issue head on. Is there any way you both can feel satisfied? How would you both feel if you used a vibrator frequently, solo or in his presence, or him using it on you? Would you and he be open to periodic threesomes with younger, more energetic men at sex or swing clubs or privately? There’s no right or wrong here, just what you both feel comfortable with.

    About repertoire: You say intercourse is very important to you. You have every right to feel this way. I hope you also know that by age 70, around 90% of men have erection difficulties that make intercourse difficult or impossible, even with erection medication. In addition to medication, he might try shock-wave therapy, which has shown great promise in restoring erections—talk to a urologist. Or he could do you with dildos. Or he could wear a harness fitted with a strap-on dildo for a more intercourse-like experience. Again, no right or wrong, just what the two of you work out.

    If you’d like help negotiating these issues, consider sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

  • JeremyZ says:

    I agree with Michael Castleman’s advice. And I’d add that this may be the ideal time in your life (for both of you) to explore, experiment and engage in kinky sex. You probably grew up in the time when this was still considered “taboo” and rather shameful. But it isn’t anymore, it’s normal and not a psychopathology. And chances are that you both have had many fantasies in this area for your whole lives. Maybe it’s not the “ideal” standard sex that we always wanted, strong erections, good orgasms through vaginal intercourse, and frequent sex. But it can be a huge aphrodesiac and it doesn’t have to be focused on intercourse at all. Yes, you’d be taking a chance that it may or may not work out, and possibly be embarrassing, but if it does work the rewards are wonderful. It’s completely normal to no longer focus on intercourse in older age but to be sexual in other ways. And its easy once the pressure is taken off regarding intercourse and orgasm. This includes doing kinky things you’ve always fantasized about and wanted to try, and now you can. You sound sophisticated enough to not be ashamed or embarrassed to bring it up. At his age, and your age, you’ve got nothing to lose.

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