mature couple lying in bed together

My husband and I have been married 5.5 years, and I’m confused. Our sexual frequency has always been a problem. I’ve always been the one to demand sex. Beginning last year, I just stopped doing this. In the meantime, coincidently my husband was dumped by his very best friends. We spent a very hard time with no sex at all. I got mad, and had many questions about his sexual appetite. Last summer on vacation, I observed him look at both men and women. One dinner he was drunk and did oral sex to his cigar… anyway… at the end he confessed his masturbation habit and that he loves to play with his anus. This year he went to hypnotherapist and quit his porn habit. Since January he has been very shy and depressed. What shall I do?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    My advice: I urge the two of you to see a sex therapist.

    You have a longterm desire difference. You want sex more often than he does. The myth is that men want sex more than women. But actually, in many many couples, it’s the other way around. There’s nothing abnormal about this. Everyone is sexually unique. Each of you has your own needs, and you need more sex than he does. That’s normal. Desire differences are the #1 sexual complaint of longterm couples, so sex therapists are very familiar with the issue—and can help resolve it.

    You also complain that he masturbates. Everyone has masturbated, and most men do it much more than most women. This is normal. Some women believe that masturbation is fine for single men, but that once coupled, men shouldn’t need it any more. That’s simply not true. Masturbation and partner lovemaking are both “sex,” but they’re very different and meet different needs. Most men use masturbation for stress relief. In my view that’s fine. I also believe it’s fine for men to combine solo sex with watching porn. But what I think doesn’t matter. It’s what you and your husband think, which is another reason I urge you to consult a sex therapist. A therapist can help the two of you process your feelings about masturbation and porn.

    You say your husband enjoys playing with his anus sexually. That’s also normal. Millions of men do this. If you have issues with that, there’s another reason to talk to a sex therapist.

    To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    If your partner won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.

    I hope this helps.

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