I’m a 29-year-old woman married for 3 years now. I used to enjoy sex with my husband, but I don’t anymore. I have a lot of trouble talking about it, so I haven’t. I just go along with him. My husband gets upset because I seem so detached. I am detached. I don’t enjoy sex anymore. Do you think this might have anything to do with the fact that my father sexually abused me?
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Yes, your history of sexual trauma could certainly be at the root of your sexual detachment. Some people who are prominent in what I call the “sexual disaster industry” contend that childhood sexual trauma scars people for life. It may, but it’s also possible to recover and heal and enjoy life and fulfilling lovemaking. Here are my suggestions:
Pick up a copy of Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines. Haines has a history similar to yours, and through therapy rediscovered the joy in both sex and life in general. Eventually she became a therapist who specializes in helping people recover from childhood sexual trauma and wrote her fine book, which is available online.
Does your husband know about your sexual trauma history? If not, I urge you to tell him (eventually) because your experiences affect his life and your marriage. But telling him may be tricky, because some men feel it’s their duty to avenge the wrong by confronting or even assaulting the perpetrator–not a good idea. If your husband already knows, I suggest you give him a copy of my article Sexual Trauma Survivors: What Men Need to Know. How Men Can Help. If he doesn’t know and you fear his reaction(s), then I’d wait and discuss with a therapist how and when to tell him.
Speaking of therapy, the Haines book can point you along the path to recovery, but chances are you’d also benefit from one-on-one therapy, which would eventually also include your husband, and possibly even your father, if you wish. Many psychotherapists are skilled in dealing with sexual trauma recovery, but because you’re concerned with your current sex life and how it affects your marriage, I suggest you consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists are psychotherapists who have special training in sexual concerns. For more on sex therapy, read my article An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Good luck. Healing is possible!
I don’t know who you are but your father commited brutality with you. He is not human. Please tell your husband, and try to get rid of your memories of your father.