Michael, I have no problem with my boyfriend masturbating. However he hides it from me because he was raised that it was wrong. He watches porn everyday while I’m at work and lies about it. What are your thoughts?
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Like using the toilet, masturbation is almost always a solo experience that takes place behind a closed door. So he was raised to view self-sexing as wrong. That’s a shame. But even if he came from a very sex-positive family, he would still almost certainly stroke privately, just as he closes the door when he uses the bathroom.
Now, some couples masturbate together for one another, and some sex therapists recommend this to enhance intimacy, to get past the shame many feel about self-sexing, and to show their partners exactly how they like their genitals caressed. If you would like to show him how you stroke and see how he does it, you’re free to make the request. Couples who try it often call it enjoyable and intimacy-enhancing. But some people refuse to masturbate with anyone else—even a lover—watching, possibly because of conservative upbringing, possibly because they’re bashful, or possibly because they feel strongly that solo sex should be enjoyed alone. If you propose that the two of you masturbate for each other, I hope he’s open to that. But if not, I hope you don’t make too big a deal of it.
He watches porn daily. There’s nothing at all unusual about this. Porn sites are among men’s top Internet destinations, and not just “bad” men. Virtually all men view porn, many daily. Most men masturbate considerably more than most women. Enjoyable masturbation requires erotic fantasies, and many men stroke so frequently that their own fantasies get stale. So they turn to porn for a zillion more.
About his lying. Masturbating to porn is stigmatized. When people get accused to doing things that are stigmatized, many reflexively deny it. That’s a shame, but it’s also quite common. If you’re okay with him masturbating, then I hope you’re OK with him stroking to porn. That’s how most men do it. And if you’re OK with him self-sexing to porn, I suggest you say so … repeatedly. Over time, he may open up about it with you. I hope so, but no guarantees.
Finally, I urge you to consider the boundary issues in your relationship. Do you believe that coupled individuals have a right to any privacy from one another? It sounds to me like you want to hear all about something he considers private, his business and not yours. I’m not taking sides, just observing that you two might have very different ideas of what constitutes acceptable private behavior within your relationship. If boundary problems are an issue for you, I suggest you consider couple counseling. It might help clarify things and set relationship rules you can both embrace and obey.
I wish you great sex.