I am 77. I married my wife when she became pregnant, and have been married for 52 years. She has always been reluctant to engage in sex, except for one period in the 1980s when I was in my fifties and financially successful, and she would try any and every sexual practice that appealed to me several times a week. I now suffer from erectile dysfunction, but I can still climax and ejaculate. My wife will not have intercourse. She says I lack the capability. She gives me hand jobs 2-3 times a week, but will not let me touch her breasts or genitals. I rather suspect that she is controlling me to her own satisfaction, but can see no remedy. You might imagine that I am not happy, but enjoy what I can, for fear that I might even lose that. Do you have any practical advice?
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I sympathize with your frustration. I’m also a bit confused. You say you suffer ED, which implies that you can’t raise erections sufficient for vaginal intercourse. Then you say your wife won’t have intercourse, which implies that you can have it. Hmm.
If you can have intercourse (presumably with drugs), it’s fine to want it. But you should know that even if they can, few couples in their late seventies have sex that way. The men usually require high doses of erection drugs, and side effects become problematic. And the women often suffer thinning of the vaginal membrane (vaginal atrophy) that makes intercourse uncomfortable even with lots of lubricant. Older couples typically evolve away from intercourse toward hand jobs and oral sex. So it’s not like everyone else is having intercourse and you’re not.
You’re wise to “enjoy what you can.” Very few couples over 40 have any partner sex two to three times a week, let alone couples in their seventies. So in that sense, you’re a lucky guy. But if she won’t let you touch her erotically, you’re not really making love at all. She’s just releasing you as a sex worker might with no real emotional intimacy.
Your statement that “she is controlling me to her own satisfaction” suggests that you feel resentment, which is understandable, but it also suggests that your issues go beyond advice I might offer. So here’s what I suggest: Consult a sex therapist. Ideally, you and your wife would do this together. But because she’s sexually reluctant, she may well refuse. In that case, I urge you to go by yourself. If you do, sex therapy would allow you to vent your frustrations, and the therapist can probably make suggestions that allow you to reframe your feelings and reshape your sexual relationship a bit to provide you with a little more satisfaction. Given your wife’s long-term reluctance and the limits of her erotic repertoire, I doubt that sex therapy can make you really happy. But I bet it helps. To learn more about how sex therapy works, read my article, An Intimate Look At Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Good luck, and if you think I can be of further assistance, please contact me again.
Old article but relevant.
My spidey senses have been on alert over the past year. No physical touch. If I try I’m guided away from doing so. If I’m in the mood I get the grocery list of I do this, still have to do that, blah blah. Instant turnoff that can last weeks which is likely what she wants. Can’t touch up top of down there. Rarely a kiss. No foreplay. Basically we fuck.
As noted in the article, it’s like being with a sex worker. Of late home time seems to be suspicious. Eight in the morning until 8:30 at night? Never initiated and guys know when a woman just lays there. It’s fake. Personally I think there’s already been a visitor. Of course that would be the end. Nobody parks in my wife’s garage unless I’m not with her anymore. Late 40’s. Sex maybe 3 times per month maximum. Sometimes less. Big secret guys, women don’t really like sex. It’s a grin and bare it obligation at best.