I have been having issues with my husband and porn. Your article has helped me understand some of his point of view. He actually became addicted to porn over the years and hid it from me even though I didn’t have a HUGE problem with it. (I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t an end-all situation.) However he became emotionally and sexually attracted to my sister, and began fantasizing about her using her pictures for self pleasure and then imagined I was her when we were intimate. They worked together and spent all work day and many work nights virtually with each other. His therapist is telling him it’s normal to fantasize about coworkers etc… however I told my husband a decade ago that if he ever masturbated to her, we were through. So am I being ridiculous? Should I be insulted? I feel violated (I am a multiple rape survivor) if you have time please advise? 🙁
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I’m very sorry you are a sexual assault survivor. That can make other sexual issues fraught and complicated and emotionally very difficult.
You say you have issues with your husband and porn. But from your description, it sounds to me like the issue is not his use of porn or his self-sexing to it. Rather, the issue appears to be his attraction to your sister and his possibly fantasizing about her when he masturbates or has sex with you.
You call him a porn addict, but say you don’t have a huge problem with his viewing it. Which is it? Your use of the word “addict” implies disapproval. You can disapprove of his stroking to porn all you want, but please understand that virtually every man on Earth with an Internet connection has viewed porn, and hundreds of millions view it frequently, often daily. As long as it doesn’t significantly interfere with life responsibilities or lovemaking in a relationship, men’s porn viewing does NOT make them deviant, weird, addicted, or contemptuous of women. It’s NORMAL for men to view porn. Porn is one of men’s top Internet destinations. If you object to his viewing, he may say he’ll stop, but he’s unlikely to. He’ll probably just go deeper underground, view it in secret, and take care that you don’t find out. Is that what you want?
Sounds to me like the real issue here is not his porn use, but what you say is his attraction to your sister. That’s not a porn problem. It’s a relationship issue between you. To resolve it, you might consider couple therapy.
You say that if he masturbates to fantasies of your sister, you’ll leave him. Sorry, but you don’t control his erotic fantasies any more than he controls your daydreams. In my opinion, in fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. People are free to enjoy any fantasies they have—as long as they understand the difference between fantasy and reality. You have every right to tell your husband: If you actually have sex with my sister, I’ll leave you. But in my view, you don’t have the right to forbid any of his fantasies, even with your lamentable history of sexual assault.
I suggest the two of you consider couple therapy to wrestle with these issues. Since your presenting issues are sexual, I would suggest a sex therapist. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If he won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you great sex.
So just to clear some things up; it’s not my opinion that he was addicted to porn, he’s in a 12 step program now. I didn’t even know it was an issue. I knew the watched it and self soothed, but I didn’t know how much m, how often or how detrimental it had become to his work life as well as our personal life…
I know that I don’t control his fantasies, and I wasn’t bothered by most things. But the relationship between my sister and I I asked if he could please just not do that to her. He agreed (but as you predicted he did it anyways and frequently). Hid it from me for over a decade. Had that been it we would have argued and eventually gotten over it. But my serious issues came from two areas
1) his relationship with her. They were my best friends and they both grow apart from me and started ignoring me completely. I tried to talk to them about it but they would argue and lash out saying I was crazy. This went on for a year. Until he admitted that he was obsessed with her. He and I argued about that.
2. After we talked Then he went on for another 6 months masterbating to her pictures… which I felt was wrong to do. Accessing her private photos to do that violated her trust. Then he started using my body to fulfill his fantasies with her. Pretending I was her and acted out his desires on me. This I feel was an betrayal of my sanctity. He knows of my past and I have boundaries for what my body is used for. And he violated that trust.
I know what sex therapy is. Our sex life is great now, and he has been completely honest about it and has cut his emotional ties to her. But I still feel icky.
Is it wrong of me to make requests on what my body is used for?
Thank you for the clarifications. I’m glad he’s been completely honest with you lately, but clearly you still feel anger and resentments. Which prompts me to reiterate my suggestion that you get some psychotherapy, either solo or with him, to see if you can get past them. I wish you the best of luck.