I have only had one lover–my husband. I did not have sex until I was 45 years old—no penetrative sex and less than a handful of sexual experiences that can even be considered “fooling around.” When we first got married, we had sex at least once a day–sometimes twice. My husband would tell me that I was the best lover that he ever had and at the time I really did believe him. My orgasms were so powerful. I have fainted, saw in “technicolor,” really, amazing experiences….but now, I am wondering if he was just being kind and loving. We hardly ever have sex now and I think it is because he is tired of all of the “lessons” during sex. I don’t watch porn and there is only so much you can read. How do I “advance” in sexual techniques without watching porn. I really want to be the great lover he tells me that I am and I need to make up for a lot of lost time—p.s. I am a screamer too. Anything to help that? Sometimes it breaks the mood—any advice?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    From your brief description, I can’t be sure why you “hardly ever” have sex lately. But I hope my comments help.

    When relationships begin, lovers can’t keep their hands off each other. But the hot-and-heavy period typically lasts only a year or two. Now in your case, with your late start in partner sex, your hot-and-heavy period may have lasted longer. But it’s a rare relationship that maintains its initial high sexual frequency for more than a few years. In other words, some sexual slowdown is normal and to be expected.

    You must be older than 45 now. Perhaps your husband is, too. If you’re in the age range of late 40s to mid-50s, this is a period of significant sexual changers for both men and women. Women become menopausal and often experience some (or considerable) libido decline. And men suffer erection changes: loss of ability to get hard from erotic thoughts alone, iffy erections that rise more slowly and wilt more quickly, less erection firmness, possibly the beginnings of erectile dysfunction—-and as a result, anxieties that can aggravate all these problems.

    Another issue is sexual spontaneity. New lovers are always in the mood for sex and act on it. But after the hot-and-heavy period wanes, the mood strikes less often. Couples who remain sexual over time, especially after 45 or so, don’t wait until they’re both in the mood. Instead, they schedule sex dates in advance. If you don’t do that, I urge you to try it. This isn’t just my advice. It’s what sex therapists virtually universally recommend for couples who feel troubled that their frequency has fallen or couples plagued by desire differences. Discuss how many times a month you’d each like to make love and come up with a compromise frequency that feels mutually workable. Then pull out your calendars and schedule sex dates. As date nights (or mornings or afternoons) approach, cultivate some anticipation so that when you have sex, you feel ready to enjoy it.

    Now about your screaming. Many men LOVE to make women scream. But if it breaks the mood for you and your husband, I suggest you practice quieting down during masturbation and then apply what you learn to partner sex.

    Two more thoughts: First, I suggest that you scan the 100 articles in the Info Library. Some of them might resonate for you. Articles can be purchased singly or you can buy all 100 (much cheaper per article).

    Second, if these suggestions and my articles don’t get you to place where you’d like to be, then I’d urge you and your husband to consider professional sex therapy. Many studies show that of couples who try sex therapy, two-thirds report benefit. To get a feel for what sex therapy is all about, you can read my article on it, or see the Meryl Streep-Tommy Lee Jones movie, Hope Springs. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Good luck and if you’d like to write again, feel free.

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