Love couple in bed

Hi. My girlfriend of eight months (she is 36 & I am 50) always wants to have intercourse. She is not interested in cuddling or connecting, or in talking about sexuality and sensuality in any deeper way. As she puts it, she just wants “that thing in me.” I don’t understand how a woman only wants the physical romp, literally daily. I have been asking myself, and twice mentioned this to her, if this interest in only the physicality means sex for her doesn’t need an emotional commitment. Last night she said “I love you but if you don’t give me that I will find another man to f**k me.” I was in shock and asked her to repeat it, which she did. Thereafter i didn’t say another word. Your insights would be most most appreciated.



  • Michael Castleman says:

    It’s impossible to generalize about sex. In general, men are more into it than women. But some women are highly sexual, much more than the men they’re involved with. In general, women like sex with lots of emotional intimacy, cuddling, and discussion. But some women just want that thing in them.

    You have a desire difference. Most couples have them, and desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists. I suggest you read my my book Sizzling Sex For Life… It may help.

    However, it sounds like your disconnect extends beyond frequency to the very meaning of sex in your relationship. To get a handle on that, you might benefit from a course of sex therapy. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my previous Substack post, Hope Springs, with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Finally, it’s possible that even after sex therapy, she might still want intercourse way more than you’re prepared to provide. I know a couple like that. He’s happy with once or twice a week, while she absolutely needs it daily, and preferably a couple of times. They worked out their difference by recruiting another lover for her, whom she sees a few times a week. She’s had a series of lovers for several years. They’re both okay with it. And their relationship is fine. Of course, this solution isn’t for everyone. But there’s no “right” way to have a relationship, just what works for both of you.

    I hope you can reach a workable mutual accommodation.

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