I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 29. At the beginning of the relationship we always had intense passionate sex. But now we don’t always have sex every time we see each other and it’s not that intense or passionate. I’ve always been the one who craves sex like crazy in a relationship. I’ve had exes complain about it and it makes me feel awful. I really love my boyfriend and overall we have an amazing relationship but I’m afraid that sex could affect it. I am very frustrated. He knows that I always want sex and he just tells me that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like it or that we don’t have to do it all the time. But we don’t live together and only see each other like 3-4 times per week so why not have sex? How could I deal with this? What advice would you give me? Also, he doesn’t excrcise, he smokes (cigs and weed), and he is almost always tired. I am afraid of the saying that “the sex is a reflection of the relationship” because then that would mean our relationship is not as great as I think and feel. Most times I’m the one who initiates it or the one who talks about it to let him know I want it. Sometimes I end up feeling unwanted, not desired, and ugly. And it makes me overthink and feel really bad. I even came to the conclusion that maybe he’s not sexually attracted to me, that he doesn’t find me pretty or that he is with someone else. But then he tells me that he always wanted a very sexual partner and that now he has me and that I am perfect for him. Then why won’t he always have sex with me? Aren’t men supposed to want sex always?
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You are NOT undesired, unwanted, or ugly. You just want sex more than he does.
You guys have a desire difference, one of the most common complaints in long-term relationships. You don’t say how long you’ve been together, but I’m guessing it’s more than 6 months. When couples first fall in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other. But the hot-and-heavy period typically lasts only from 6 months to a year or so. Then desire tends to cool. If both people’s desire cools at the same rate, there’s no problem. But typically, one’s desire declines more than the other—and the couple has to deal with a desire difference. As you’ve discovered, that can be maddening.
In addition, men are “supposed to” want sex more than women do, all the time. That’s not actually true. Plenty of men are not sex-crazed, but in general, men have more libido than women. In around 2/3 of couples with desire differences, the man wants sex more, but in 1/3 of couples, it’s the woman—your situation. This is more difficult because in addition to the anguish of the desire difference, the couple must contend with culturally unexpected roles, the man wanting less sex, the woman more, which feels “unnatural.”
Desire differences are one of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists, and fortunately, sex therapists have developed a program that usually helps. I invited you to learn about it by purchasing my low-cost article You Never Want To! You’re Insatiable! How to Resolve Desire Differences. I hope it helps.
P.S. You say he smokes. Smoking cigarettes is very bad for sex. Cigarettes greatly accelerate the process of artery clogging, which causes not only heart disease but reduced blood flow into the penis. Many male smokers develop erection problems in their 40s, while non-smokers usually maintain good erections into their 50s. Encourage him to quit.
Do you think this issue could still be a problem? I will keep trying to encourage him to stop smoking. I thought it could be a bigger problem or that I was the one with the issue but I guess its normal. Thank you sooo much!!
Studies show that when loved ones AND DOCTORS encourage quitting, it works better than loved ones alone. You might encourage him to have a check-up. There are prescription products that can help people quit: nicotine gum, medications.