I’m 42 and my husband is also. We’ve been married for 19 years, have 2 children, great jobs, love each other dearly, and have enjoyed an average sex life. Lately, I have found myself wanting sex more and more. I want all kinds of affection like hand holding, a kiss at the end of the day, I’d love it if he initiated sex. I guess I’m wondering if I am normal or peri menopausal, or is there something happening with my hormones? An imbalance maybe? I’ve always enjoyed sex with my husband and he is a great lover and he always wants me to be satisfied. The poor man just doesn’t know what to think now that I am craving intimacy, lots of touch and sex from him! This is all new to me- I even have resorted to self-satisfaction a time or two. I’m just not sure if these feelings are normal and many woman experience their is there something wrong with me? Thank you for any help you may provide.
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What you’re experiencing is known as the “peri-menopausal sexual surge.” Not all women experience this, but some do.
Many people believe that menopause hits all at once around age 50. Actually, hormonal changes often begin after 40. It sounds like you’re peri-menopausal, starting to experience some hormonal changes. Subtle shifts in sex-related hormones—the female hormones estrogen and progesterone and the male hormones, androgens, which women also have—may not produce and noticeable changes in libido. But they may, either less libido, or as in your case, more. What you’re experiencing is a bit unusual in that peri-menopausal libido decline is more common than increase, especially the substantial increase you’re experiencing. But you’re normal. This happens.
Meanwhile, much of what you suddenly crave is not sexual, per se, but a desire for greater nonsexual affection: hand-holding, kissing during the day, and other forms of non-erotic affection. You say you have a good, loving marriage, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to ask your husband for more non-sexual affection, for example, the things you mentioned and other little moments of physical closeness like cuddling while watching TV and kissing during commercials.
As for wanting more naked-in-bed sex, that usually requires a bit more negotiation. Most long-married couples have struggled with sexual frequency and have come to a negotiated settlement that both spouses can live with more or less comfortably. Or not, which causes festering resentment. If you’re in the former group, generally okay with your frequency, you might request a bit more sex, say, one or two times a month more, and see what your husband says. The myth is that men are constantly horny, and if your husband is, he’ll probably be up for some more sex. But many men are NOT horn-dogs, and a request for more sex may upset the delicate agreement on frequency you’ve lived by. And if you two have had a long-term desire difference, and you’ve been the one with more libido and now you want even more nookie, your husband may not be sympathetic. Negotiations about sexual frequency are challenging, even for happy, loving couples. If you and husband go round and round and can’t resolve things on your own, you might read my low-cost article, Overcoming Desire Differences. If the article doesn’t help resolve things, then you might consider a short course of sex therapy.
Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more on sex therapy, read my low-cost article or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
You say you’ve “resorted to self-satisfaction a time or two.” Why so infrequently? There’s nothing wrong with masturbation, especially for long-term spouses who have desire differences. Do you own a vibrator? One-third of American adult women now do. Adam & Eve sells dozens of models for all tastes. As you negotiate any change in frequency, especially if the negotiations leave you wanting more, a vibrator can come in real handy. You might also introduce vibrator play into sex with your husband. That way, if he’s feeling tuckered out, or not in the mood, he might simply hold you and let your little friend help you to satisfaction.
Bottom line: You’re normal. But you and your husband need to work out a new frequency you can both live with comfortably. My article may help. If not, I’m confident that a combination of a few vibrators and a short course of sex therapy would. I wish you the best.