My husband of 34 years passed away recently. When I was going through some things I found a simulated vibrating vagina. It has caused me a lot of emotional pain. I felt like our sex life was okay, it’s not like we were newlyweds. But, the fact he would consider something the color of a baby mouse incased in something that looks like a magic bullet food chopper instead of me kills me. If he were here we could clear the air and I could try and understand what he was thinking with this contraption. The fact I can’t ask he just makes me question our whole relationship. I felt like we were still close and loving, but now I think maybe he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Why would he need this toy if he and I were still intimate and he he still enjoyed sex with me? I am devastated by his sudden death and now this is caused me so much pain.
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I’m very sorry for your loss. A 34-year marriage is horrible to lose. My deepest sympathies.
I can’t tell you how to feel, especially at a time like this. If you feel crushed by discovering his vibrating penis sleeve, that’s how you feel. However, please allow me to suggest another way to think about this.
More than half of adult American women own at least one vibrator, around 150 million women. Few use them in partner lovemaking. Women overwhelmingly use their vibrators solo, during masturbation. If their husbands stumble on their vibrators, should the husbands feel as crushed and devastated as you feel?
In my view, whether single or coupled, everyone has the right to masturbate. Self-sexing is our original sexuality. It’s how we learn about erotic pleasure and what turns us on and makes us come. You husband was stroking long before he ever met you. Why give up apple pie once you discover blueberry?
Some women believe that once coupled, men shouldn’t need to self-sex any more, that their girlfriends/wives should meet all their sexual needs. In my view, that’s naive and poorly informed about sexuality. Masturbation and partner sex are both sexual, but they are very different. During solo sex, you only have yourself to please. With a partner, sex becomes more complicated. You have to negotiate frequency, repertoire, and coach each other about what you like and dislike. Sometimes, men—and women—just want to play by themselves. In my view, as long as masturbation doesn’t interfere with life responsibilities or lovemaking in a committed relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it, even frequently, even daily—and judging by my email, plenty of men of all ages and partner status stroke daily.
The myth is that solo sex is a refuge for the lonely. Actually, the best research shows that the typical married person masturbates MORE than the typical single. Most singles have partner sex from time to time, but less regularly than most married folks. A committed relationship moves sex from the back burner to the front. So when married people can’t have partner sex because their partner is unavailable or unwilling, they’re more likely to miss sex—and reach between their legs or for a sex toy.
I’m confident your late husband loved you, and found you alluring and desirable. But sometimes he wanted to play by himself and a vibrating penis sleeve is a quick, convenient way to do it. Millions of men use self-sexing toys just as most women use vibrators.
Like I said, I can’t tell you how to feel. If you continue to feel crushed by your discovery, that’s your business. But I think you’re misinformed about solo sexing and the aids that enhance it. You may not masturbate or own a vibrator. That’s up to you. But more than half of American women own at least one vibe, which means that at least some of your female relatives and girlfriends use them to get off solo. Should their husbands freak out and question their marriages? I don’t think so. Do you?