I’m a 59 and completely devastated to realize that sexual pleasure, one of my greatest joys, had been ripped away because of the prostatectomy I had last November for cancer. I’m so grief-stricken that I can hardly function; this is torture. Yes, the urologist explained that I “might” develop “some” erectile dysfunction, but he never said I’d wind up like overcooked spaghetti. He says he was able to spare one nerve line, but I’m batting zero. How can I cope with never having sex again? WTF!!??
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I’m very sorry that your urologist misled you about the sexual impact of prostatectomy. That was cruel. People deserve the truth. Post-prostatectomy, most men wind up in the boat you’re in.
Your surgery may signal the end of natural erections, but NOT THE END OF SEX. There’s a lot more to sex than fitting sword into scabbard.
Several studies have tracked the sex lives of men who have suffered spinal cord damage that resulted in complete ED. Initially, they reacted as you have. Some gave up on sex and stopped being sexual. But those who were determined to remain sexual have followed a similar path. After a year or so of grieving for their lost erections, they began to explore sex without them. They started over and learned to enjoy lovemaking despite their loss. Five to 10 years after, some said they were having the best sex of their lives.
For men, sex happens not just in the penis and not just during intercourse. The soul of sex is erotic cuddling, skin to skin touch and closeness that arouses every square inch of the body. Have you ever given or received a good whole-body Swedish-style massage? That’s the foundation of sex and it doesn’t depend on erection.
In addition, men don’t need erections to have orgasms. That’s right. In an erotic context—music, candle light, lube, and an arousing lover open to extended fondling and fellatio—a completely flaccid penis can provide marvelous orgasms, as good as any you ever experienced.
Now about the nerve bundle your urologist says he spared. If that’s true, then there’s a chance that you have sufficient nerve function to raise at least a partial erection. Assuming erection-capable nerve function, then the issue becomes getting extra blood into your penis to produce enough hydraulic force to get you hard. First, you want to be as relaxed as possible. Deep meditative relaxation opens the arteries that carry blood into the penis, allowing the increased blood flow that fuels erection. HOWEVER, anxiety constricts those arteries, keeping necessary blood out of the penis and leaving you limp. The tone of your question implies that you’re very stressed. That’s counter-productive. The more stress, the less blood flows into your penis. So I’d urge you to meditate, exercise, or embrace a relaxation regimen. Counseling from a sex therapist might also help. To find one near you visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
If you still have sufficient nerve function for at least partial erection, the erection drugs might help. Ask your urologist for prescriptions for all three: Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, plus a little known medication, Yocon. Try them.
You might also try a vacuum device, popularly known as a penis pump. Sold by sex toy marketers (search Google), they involve a tube open at one and and a squeeze-ball hand pump. Insert your penis into the open end, press it against your pubic area for a good seal, work the pump to create a vacuum inside the tube, and you should raise a reasonable temporary erection that might allow intercourse.
But even if this really is the end of your erections, it’s NOT the end of sex. You’re in for a major adjustment that could take a year or two. But if you’re determined to remain sexual, you can, and you can still be as orgasmic as ever.
For more information, read the articles in the Info Library. For individualized coaching consult a sex therapist.