Hello “Dr. Mike”
I was wondering if you can tell me, or recommend someone else to explain to me, if my all-day-long fantasies and desires of cunnilingus/analingus mean I need to get help, or am I just being a ‘guy.’ These are actually the only thoughts I have, and I’m not interested in much more than that. I would really like to know what this means. Thanks a lot, Gary
Here’s the test: If you have frequent sexual fantasies, but do fine in school or at work, maintain decent relationships with a special person, friends, and family, and live a full life, I wouldn’t worry. But if you have frequent sexual fantasies and habitually mess up at school or work, become a recluse, reject your relationships, and masturbate all day to your fantasies, then your fantasy life is a problem.
Most men think about sex a good deal, like two dozen times a day. Many men have favorite fantasies. It doesn’t really matter what the fantasies are, just the fact that lots of men have them much of the time. If you think about cunnilingus and analingus all day long, would you say it’s two dozen times a day? If so, you’re normal. If you think about your fantasies more than that, you’re still probably normal—unless you become fantasy-obsessed recluse.
I don’t know anything about your life, so I can’t really judge. If I’ve reassured you that you’re normal, then just live your fantasy-rich life. But if you’re concerned that you may have crossed a line to doing yourself some harm, then I’d suggest consulting a sex therapist. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions, but with your issue, it probably wouldn’t take that long. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
I hope this helps.
If you’re in a relationship but are denied the oral sex or anal sex that you want, you can become obsessive about it. Also if you have difficulty coming to orgasm or being sufficiently aroused to masturbate about these fantasies, you can end up spending a lot of time trying to masturbate and orgasm until you finally get that release. That’s probably not a true obsession, but a desire that you just need to come to climax with. There is such a thing as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and a fair number of people with this disorder have very frequent, repetitive thoughts about sexual things as their obsessions. They’re often unwanted sexual things they obsess about. You may not have OCD and just want to have the sexual activity that you crave; or maybe you have actual obsessions, I don’t know. I would consider Mike’s advice.