My wife does not like for me to give her oral sex/pleasure. I have never been with any girls in the past that are opposed to receiving oral from me. I thoroughly enjoy it and feel, based on past experiences that I am good at it in terms of pleasing women and bringing then to orgasm. My wife’s response has always been that it’s dirty. I have tried and tried to convince her that it is not dirty and I really enjoy and want to give her oral. Any advice?
No one should ever feel pressured to be sexual in ways that make them feel uncomfortable. If your wife doesn’t like to receive the gift of oral sex, that’s her right, and you should respect it. On the other hand, I agree with you that cunnilingus is not dirty, that most women enjoy it, and perhaps there’s some way you can change your wife’s mind while still respecting her right not to play that way if she doesn’t want to.
In my 30+ years as a sex counselor, I’ve heard many men voice your issue, and when I’ve asked about the family/sexual backgrounds of the women in question, I’ve noticed that many came from sexually conservative/repressed families, and were told over and over growing up that “it’s dirty down there.” If a woman was raised to believe that her genitals are dirty, then it makes sense that she wouldn’t want to lover to get too close, especially with his lips and tongue.
I imagine that you and your wife have discussed this issue many times and that you both feel upset, confused, and probably resentful of each other. If that’s the case, if you’re stuck, you probably can’t get unstuck without help.I strongly recommend that you consult a sex therapist.
A sex therapist will NOT take your side and urge your wife to welcome oral sex. Meanwhile, the therapist will NOT take her side and tell you to forget it. The therapist WILL delve deeply into your sexual histories, your relationship, and how you resolve conflicts. Then the therapist will correct any mistaken beliefs either of you holds about sexuality, for example, the notion that cunnilingus is dirty. Assuming reasonable hygiene, it is as clean as mouth-to-mouth kissing. Finally, the therapist will coach you through negotiations aimed at resolving this conflict, or at least lowering the emotional temperature. For example, the therapist might ask if your wife objects to your providing oral love to her leg? Her thighs? Her inner thighs? You might not get exactly what you want, but perhaps you can come close.
Studies show that when couples get seriously stuck on sexual issues and consult sex therapists, in a few months of weekly sessions, two-thirds report significant improvement. For more on sex therapy, read the article An Intimate Guide to Sex Therapy.
To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.