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I’m a 44-year-old man. I have been married for 20+ years, happily, except that I feel denied a sexual experience I want. Oral sex. My wife won’t “go down” on me although I am always very clean. Sometimes I feel something’s wrong with me. Sometimes I feel something’s wrong with her. I’ve asked and she’s always said no. Now I have dreams of being with other women just because I feel that I am missing something in life and it will all be over before I get a chance to sample it. What do I do? Advice please.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I feel for you. Oral sex is a perfectly normal part of lovemaking, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting it. On the other hand, no one should ever feel pressured into being sexual in ways they object to, so your wife has every right not to go down on you.

    Some perspective on oral might help. It’s ubiquitous in porn, and you might think that every other woman on earth routinely gives this special gift to men, that every guy out there is getting head except you. Not so. According to the landmark “Sex in America” survey, about three-quarters of American lovers have provided and received oral caresses at some point in life. But only about one-quarter said they played orally the last time they had sex before being surveyed. A similar survey by University of California researchers shows that only about half of respondents recalled giving or receiving oral sex during the 12 months before they were surveyed. So you’re not alone.

    If you can raise the subject with your wife calmly and without rancor, I suggest exploring what exactly she objects to. Did she have bad experiences with fellatio before she met you? Some men hold the woman’s head and push in too far, causing her to gag and feel abused. That’s no fun. You might offer not to touch her had at all, allowing her total freedom to do as she wishes.

    If she thinks your penis is dirty, you might shower together before sex and invite her to wash you to her satisfaction. If she’s phobic about you ejaculating into her mouth, you might offer to wear a condom, which eliminates this issue. You might also read the article Oral Sex: Enhancement Suggestions for Men and Women and discuss it.

    But from your tone, it sounds like this has become a sore point between you, one you can’t comfortably discuss. In that case, I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist. A sex therapist won’t take your side and push your wife to give you oral. Neither will the therapist take her side and tell you tough luck. A sex therapist will help you and your wife discuss this issue and try to negotiate some workable accommodation.

    Of course, it’s possible that your wife will refuse to accompany you to sex therapy. If so, I would urge you to go by yourself. It’s quite possible that a sex therapist can help you discuss the issue at home with her. To find a sex therapist near you, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

  • Tanstaafl2 says:

    Good luck, but as someone who’s had this same issue for over 20 years, I believe you may well be SOL.

  • SeattleWill says:

    Have a talk with her and let her know how important it is. I could not go the rest of my life without oral sex. Calmly and politely let her know this is a dealbreaker and it may be time to divorce and find a more accommodating partner. See if this changes her views. Good luck!

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