I am 22 and I feel very sexually attracted to a woman who is 30 and married with two kids. She and I are very close friends. I just don’t know if she feels as I do. I need your suggestions on this.
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Your first decision is whether or not to tell her how you feel. If you confess your feelings but she’s not sexually interested in you, then that’s where it ends and you need to do whatever it takes to get over her.
But if she’s erotically interested in you, then things get complicated. She might acknowledge her attraction but feel committed to monogamy in her marriage in which case you’d have to get over her. Or she might want to have an affair, in which case you risk getting caught, meaning that she risks her marriage and depending on her husband, you might risk assault. Or she might leave her husband for you, in which case you’re a step-father with two kids.
I can’t really advise you how to proceed. But whatever you decide, before you make any move, I urge you to think long and hard about the potential consequences of your actions.
There is one alternative not discussed above. This fellow could discuss his feelings openly with this woman and if she reciprocates his attraction, she might be able to discuss this with her husband. If an external relationship was seen as a passing, cougar fling, her husband might be open to it.
As a physician, I have been astounded at how many marriages tolerate external relationships when honesty is in place rather than lying and cheating.
You’re right, I should have mentioned the possibility of an open marriage. I know a few couples who have them and consider it a boon to their marriage. But open marriages are very tricky. It takes a tremendous amount of work and communication to keep everyone happy. Still, it’s a possibility here. Thanks so much for posting.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I am both a professional writer and physician who has been called upon to speak in our small Southern town to young people about sex. 52% of girls in our community between 15-17 are having babies and VD is skyrocketing. As I see the very elderly in my practice I am also addressing sexuality issues of the elderly – ie both ends of the age spectrum. So I have been trying to educate myself more about sex and find your website very helpful!
I am stunned by the frank admission of outside sexual activity in marriages, particularly from the WWII vets who were gone for many years and both partners tacitly accepted outside sexual activity. Later on in their married lives, after the kids were grown, this same WWII generation often eithe separated for a few years or accepted outside sexual liasons as part of a desire to experiment, not a desire to end the marriage. One couple, in their early seventies, had married as virgins and decided to attend swingers clubs together to experience what they had never had before.
It seems that as long as honesty was present , there was no damage to the marriage, if the partners involved had a good sense of self esteem. When the individuals felt powerful and worthy on their own, they were able to love the other one non-possessively and regard the desire for variety as just that, not any indication that they themselves were lacking.
This is just my personal observation, not a controlled study!
My best advice to young girls is to learn to masturbate well, slowly and effectively and use vibrators, too. Once they really know how to have deep orgasms they are much less susceptible to casual hook ups and it improves their self esteem, too. I suggest that they avoid intercourse when they have boyfriends, allowing them to discover all the ways they and the boy can reach orgasm slowly and avoid the risk of pregnancy and disease. These talks have been very, very popular and I have even shown videos of real women taking 20-30 minutes to achieve orgasm through manual stimultion – very different from porn.
As far as the post menopausal set: I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps with everyone living so long, it is unreasonable to assume people will only touch one partner for 70 years? So many families suffering the pain of divorce over infidelity when the relationship was otherwise excellent.
What do you think?
I was raised very conservatively but observing my patients has caused me to re-evaluate things.