My husband and I have what falls into the “sexless marriage” category. We are seeing a marriage/sex therapist next month for an intensive therapy weekend to try to get our 20+ year marriage and sex life back on track. I am almost positive that our problems are rooted in poor communication, my trust issues, and anger/resentment.
However, sometime in the past year or two, a memory came to me and I don’t know whether to mention it to the therapist or not. I have a memory of my brother, 10 years older, showing me his genitals when I was young. I can’t remember how young I was but obviously he was a teenager. I’m sure he never touched me inappropriately and he always treated me well for as long as I can remember. He is in his early 60s now and we aren’t super close but get along fine. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to waste time in this therapy intensive talking about something insignificant that the therapist may read into, yet I know, as an adult, that my brother’s behavior was, at minimum, inappropriate. I also don’t know why this memory came back to me after so many years. I wouldn’t be comfortable mentioning it in front of my husband because he would react badly toward my brother. What are your thoughts? Should I mention it to the therapist without my husband in the room or just let it go if I’m pretty confident it isn’t causing any of our sexual issues?
Thank you for any advice you may have.
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Congratulations on seeing the therapist for your sexless marriage issues. The resentment issues can be challenging, but marital/sex therapy usually helps. BTW: Have you seen the movie from a few years ago, “Hope Springs”? Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones play a couple in a sexless marriage who get intensive therapy. I bet it would resonate for you.
Now about your question: No, I don’t think it’s necessary to raise the issue with your therapist. I believe you when you say it would strain family relations. I also agree that it’s beside the point in your therapy. You have limited time to address your primary issue, your marriage, and I think this could side-track things.
These days, childhood sexual exploitation has become such a hot-button issue in American culture that many people consider ANY child sex experience inappropriate. But several good studies show that childhood experiences like yours are quite common, and that absent exploitation, they have no harmful impact on people later in life.
I don’t know why that memory bubbled up … perhaps because you’ve been focusing energy on the erotic issues in your marriage. But since you haven’t thought about this moment in decades, I suggest you table it during your sexless-marriage therapy. You can always raise it later.
I wish you the best with your therapy.