My husband & I have been married for 12 years. Were are 52 years old. His 1st marriage & my 2nd. I married him because he’s the best man I know & I love him. We never had sex unless I initiated & while it wasn’t great, I enjoyed it more as I gently encouraged better skills & communication. He had had very few sexual experiences before & it didn’t bother him at all.

As time has gone by I became very tired of always initiating. I felt & still feel lots of anger, sadness, huge anxiety about my physical attractiveness. We’ve been to doctors, marriage counseling & finally sex therapy. The sex therapy finally worked ok – the male therapist was Masters & Johnson trained so we did the body massage without sex the gradually added the other activities. While I was amazed & more satisfied than I had been ever, the time, energy, money, detail began to feel overwhelming & depressing. I felt like we had to go to great lengths just to get something that should come naturally. Was it worth it, I wondered. Isn’t it just as telling & frustrating that I have to do all of this just to get my own husband to make love to me?

We stopped the sex therapy. We stopped the exercises. We’ve had sex maybe twice in the last 10-12 months. He says he loves me and authentically acts like he is madly in love with me. I know he does love me… but not enough to want me, or even fake wanting me. He cuddles & hugs all of the time. That just confuses me more &
makes me even more frustrated. Now I tell him not to touch me at all. It’s too hard.

Is there any evidence that a man who has never wanted sex on a regular basis in his life will begin to want to want sex & seek it? Can a man get over the inhibitions or psychological issues that make him this way to become one who wants then initiates sex? The is no ED and no hormone problem. Thank you


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I feel for you. I really do. Few things in life are more frustrating than having a spouse who says he loves you, acts like he loves you, and then has little or no interest in sex with you. Maddening! Since you’ve already consulted a sex therapist, I’m not sure what additional help I can offer. However, you did not mention a sex-therapy approach that often works well—scheduled sex. I discuss that and other ideas in my article “You’re Insatiable!” “You Never Want To!” Overcoming Desire Differences. I suggest you and your husband read it and implement the program. It may help. Good luck!

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