I love to be touched. All the time. I want hugs and kisses daily. He does kiss me … but when it comes to sex, I almost have to beg for hugs and touching.  I could happily have sex every day, but I’m prepared to settle for once a week. I never refuse him. So how often do we do it? About once a month. When we do have sex, it’s great but way too far in between times. He’s rarely in the mood. This feels so unfair. I’m broken hearted. He’s the first man in my entire 47 years of life to say no to sex and he’s 15 years younger than me. How do I handle this?  Please help! I pleasure myself more now than when I was single.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I feel for you. You have a classic desire difference. Such differences are almost inevitable in long-term relationships—-and always maddening. When people fall in love, the initial hot-and-heavy period typically lasts from six months to two years. After that, desire tends to wane and couples have less sex. When both partners’ desire wanes identically, there’s no problem. But in the vast majority of cases, one person wants sex more than the other, and if the difference is great, the lower-libido person feels set upon and beleaguered while the higher-libido person feels as you do: rejected, unloved, and having to beg for every scrap of affection. Desire differences are so common that they’re one of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists.

    It’s particularly difficult when the woman is the one who wants more sex. In general, men want sex more than women. When a serious desire difference involves the man having the higher libido, the couple has conflict, but the situation feels “normal,” that is, culturally expected. In cases like yours, where the woman has more libido, things feel worse because the situation is culturally unexpected.

    What to do? I suggest you begin by reading my article: “You’re Insatiable!” You Never Want To!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. It presents the program sex therapists have developed to deal with this ordeal. As you work through the program, you won’t get everything you want, and neither will he. But you may be able to lower the temperature of your disagreement and negotiate a frequency that’s mutually acceptable–with more affection and sex in your relationship.

    If the article doesn’t improve things to your satisfaction, then I’d suggest a short course of sex therapy. As I mentioned desire differences are one of the leading reasons couples consult sex therapists, so any therapist you see is likely to be very familiar with your situation. About sex therapy: You don’t have sex with or in front of the therapist. Sex therapy is similar to relationship counseling, but with a focus on sexuality that often includes erotic homework assignments. To learn more about sex therapy, read my article on it. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Desire differences can be resolved. I wish you the best resolving yours.

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