unhappy couple having conflict in bed at home

I normally get a good erection with my wife but during casual encounters, say a massage by a woman, even if she manipulates my sensuous zone, I do not get any erection, nothing at all. If she tries to give me a hand job, I ejaculate without even having an erection. This can be quite embarrassing. Why does this happen? And is there a cure?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Sounds to me like a classic case of anxiety-induced erection difficulty. You’re relaxed with your wife and everything works fine. But with other women, I’m guessing, you’re anxious, and anxiety can kill erections.

    Erection depends on two things: a nervous system that dilates (opens) the arteries that carry blood into the penis, and increased blood flow through those dilated arteries that fill the organ’s erectile tissues and produce firmness. The nerves that dilate the penile arteries are very sensitive to stress/anxiety. When you feel stressed, the body produces the stress hormone, cortisol, and one of its effects is to constrict the arteries all over the body, including in the penis. Constricted arteries don’t allow sufficient blood flow to produce erection.

    Do yo have an open marriage? If not, I’m guessing that you feel nervous/tense/anxious when getting it on with other women—stressed enough to constrict your arteries, hence no erection.

    What to do about it? See if you can relax with your masseuse. Take a hot shower beforehand and breathe deeply during the massage. Those approaches might help. But if you feel guilty/ashamed about stepping out on your wife, they may not.

    For more information, read the erection articles in the About Men section of the Info Library.

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