Young man watching porn in bed on laptop

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We have a pretty good sex life (once or twice a week), but here is my problem. My husband likes to masturbate while watching pornography. Then afterwards, he is not interested in sex with me for a couple of days, as if he prefers porn to me. If I had my way, I’d have sex every other day. I feel I’m competing with videos on the Internet and frequently losing. I’ve mentioned this to my husband but nothing has changed. What do you suggest? Am I wrong to want him to “save” his sexual feelings for me?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    No, you’re not wrong at all. But neither is he. You have a perfect right to regular sex with your husband. But he has a right to masturbate, and if he, like many, many men, wants to use porn as a spur to sexual fantasy during masturbation, that’s fine with me.

    But I certainly see your point. If his masturbation to porn deprives you of sex you two have agreed to, then that’s not fair. So the question is: Do you have an agreed-upon frequency? If so, and his masturbation puts him out of commission so he can’t live up to your agreement, then you’re within your rights to ask him to moderate or to schedule his masturbation so that he can make love with you as agreed.

    If you don’t have a frequency agreement, if things just kind of happen once or twice a week, then I strongly urge the two of you to negotiate a frequency agreement and schedule your partner sex so he can enjoy masturbating around it. Now, as you negotiate your frequency agreement, it’s quite possible that he might want sex with you less than you want it with him. In that case, I suggest that you read my article on Desire Differences. If the article doesn’t empower you to reach a cordial compromise on partner sex frequency, then you might benefit from sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Finally, I want to give you some kudos. Many women object to their husbands’ solo sex, believing that once men are married, they have no further need to masturbate. In addition, many, many women feel angry, threatened, and betrayed when their husbands use porn as a masturbation aid. Your lack of rancor about your husband’s masturbation is admirable. Everyone has a right to masturbate and marriage doesn’t change that. I tip my hat.

  • Michael says:

    Most men, as is well known, are visually oriented when it comes to sex and most men like viewing porn. Especially as we get older and have spent many years making love to the same person, we need more stimulation. I know that many women, especially as they get older, resent porn and feel they can’t compete with the young bodies displayed there, but I don’t think that’s the point or that viewing porn reflects any less love or attraction to one’s spouse. Perhaps you two can bring porn into your love making, viewing it together so that he can become stimulated but share that excitement and release with you. Definitely, you both need to communicate openly and without rancor about this issue and arrive at something that works for both of you.

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