Me and my partner have been together for almost two years–with a seven month break–and in the beginning, his penis would not take a break. Often times, we made love for the better part of 48 hours, all night or until the sun came up. Most recently, we cuddled and made love over a nine-hour period. After that, his erections were less vigorous and he began avoiding sex with me. When I initiated a conversation about it, he became defensive and said it’s my fault–that I stress him out and it has an effect on his erections. In addition, he’s become much more selfish: just the other night, I explained how the erection problem is taking a toll on me. I said, “I don’t have the urge to have sex anymore,” to which he replied “I don’t want to talk about that. I just want to enjoy what I’m feeling right now.” Furthermore, he often will finish before I’m satisfied leaving me in a perpetual state of desire. It’s very frustrating and creates a vicious cycle of me not wanting to have sex because I fear feeling used and unappreciated.
In all honesty, I’m not the easiest person to get along with, I do want him a lot sexually and we’ve been experiencing financial difficulty. What can I do to help solve this issue? Please help!
I see several things going on. First, you guys certainly had a very heated hot-and-heavy period, the time early in relationships when new lovers can’t keep their hands off each other. Forty-eight hours of near-nonstop sex, whoa, that’s worthy of the Erotic Hall of Fame. But the hot-and-heavy period rarely lasts more than two years, so it looks like you’re at the end of yours. I’m sorry, but that’s what happens as new love morphs into a long-term relationship.
Second, in the transition away from hot-and-heavy to long-term attachment, a desire difference often rears its ugly head. One of you wants sex more often than the other. This is virtually inevitable in long-term couples—and it’s often maddening. The one who wants more sex feels rejected and unloved. The one who wants less feels smothered and beleaguered. In around two-thirds of cases, it’s the man who wants more sex, but in one-third, it’s the woman. The first step toward dealing with desire differences is to realize that they’re inevitable in the stage of relationship you’ve now entered. Desire differences are one of the leading reasons why couples consult sex therapists—and sex therapists have developed a remarkably simple program that usually helps resolve them. I’ve summarized the program in an article that’s (no surprise) one of the best-sellers on this site: “You’re Insatiable!” You Never Want To!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. I suggest you and your lover both read and discuss it. If you implement the program, neither of you will get exactly what you want, but chances are you’ll both get what you need to maintain a comfortable relationship you can both live with.
Finally, you say he’s a selfish lover because he finishes before you’re satisfied and leaves you frustrated. I wouldn’t use the term “selfish.” He’s probably uninformed about the fact that only about 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse no matter how long it lasts. Most women require direct clitoral stimulation—often extended direct stimulation—to come. I suggest you read the article on this and share it with your lover. If he’s uninformed about how to help you to orgasm through means other than intercourse, I suggest you read and share these articles: Caressing Women:Advanced Erotic Tips for Men, Oral Sex Tips, and Introducing Sex Toys into Partner Sex.
If you’re among the minority of women who can climax during intercourse, but he doesn’t last long enough for this to happen, sex therapists have developed a fairly simple program that teaches men to last as long as they (or their lovers) would like. I’ve summarized it in the article that’s by far the biggest seller on this site: The Premature Ejaculation Cure. And if you can almost come during intercourse but can’t quite get there, I suggest one more article: How to Increase Women’s Likelihood of Orgasm During Intercourse.
I bet that if you read and discuss all these articles, you’ll be able to negotiate a sexual frequency that works for both of you and he’ll become less “selfish” and a better lover more adept at satisfying you. Good luck!
Thank you for your response, Michael. You’ve provided some very insightful information. I’m one of the few women who can achieve orgasm through intercourse. As a matter of fact, I’m multi-orgasmic with him. He’s also multi-orgasmic on many occasions, often achieving orgasm twice in one sitting.
Don’t get me wrong; he’s an out-of-this-world lover and knows how to stimulate the female organs, but because of the way I am built, I much prefer to have him inside me. He has exceptional stamina. I’m just frustrated that he finishes before I am satisfied, and by satisfied, I don’t mean until I orgasm.
I think, Michael, that for many women, orgasm is not the finish line men should race toward. At least for me, having him inside me and sharing intimacy with him is the goal. Oral sex will not solve this problem, because direct clitoral stimulation, by someone other than myself, never ends in orgasm. Now, even when he enters me, he goes soft and that is highly frustrating, for both of us.
Thanks again for your time!
I’m confused. You say he’s often multi-orgasmic, but you also say he wilts inside you. If he goes soft after orgasm, that’s normal. If you’d like him to stay hard longer before orgasm, I’d suggest my booklet on learning ejaculatory control. If he goes soft in your vagina before orgasm, then I bet that if the two of you worked with a sex therapist, that could change. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.