sexy elegant couple in the tender passion

A few years back, I learned that I was very into safe, consensual exhibitionism. While I don’t 100% need to engage in it to achieve sexual satisfaction, the idea of being watched by others is my biggest turn on. However, I find that this causes problems in my dating life; inevitably I find myself either shying away from dating someone or actively not pursuing relationships, because I have no idea how or when I would bring this up. I know that I would WANT a long-term partner to be into performing on camera or at sex clubs or other similar situations with me, but I also don’t know that you can just be up front on a date and say “hey, this is what I like”. How do I find someone who shares these interests?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Exhibitionism is out of the ordinary, but it’s by no means rare. There are swing/sex clubs in every major metropolitan area and many rural locales, so a significant minority of Americans have played that way, by some estimates up to 10 percent.

    I suggest two ways to approach your dilemma. Either look to date people who are already involved in exhibitionism/swinging/sex clubs. Or look to coax those you date into trying it.

    If you choose the former route, spend some time searching around sites that deal with exhibitionism/swinging/sex clubs. You might get lucky.

    If the latter, I urge you NOT to start with asking dates to perform on camera. Stories abound of people promising not to share nude/sexual photos and videos–and then posting them on internet sex sites, leaving the overly trusting people who posed or acted feeling mortified that their trust was violated. So people have every reason to be wary of requests for photos/videos.

    I suggest you begin the process of exploring lovers’ willingness to be exhibitionistic during dreamy afterglow after you’ve both had orgasms. You might say something like: “What’s the wildest sexual experience you’ve ever had? If you tell me, I’ll tell you. Or if you like, I’ll declare first.” I bet your partner says: “OK, you first, tell me.” Then you say: “I once went to a sex club where I watched others and was watched. It was a real turn-on.”

    If your partner recoils, you know that person isn’t likely to be your exhibitionism soul mate. But if your partner seems reasonably accepting or interested or curious, then you might say something like: “Actually, I’ve been to sex clubs a few times. I kinda enjoy playing that way. I fantasize about it, too.” Then see what the person says about your declaration … and then what your date declares.

    If your partner expresses any interest, I wouldn’t rush into saying: “Let’s go to a club asap!” Don’t push it. I’d suggest letting the conversation sink in a while. As your relationship develops, you might re-raise the subject and see where the conversation goes.

    You might also obtain a copy of my book, Sizzling Sex for Life. It’s a comprehensive sexuality guide that contains several chapters on out-of-the ordinary play, including a chapter on consensual non-monogamy (swinging, sex clubs, etc.). That chapter can answer partners’ questions and provide more food for discussion.

    If things proceed and it feels like a lover might be willing to play with you exhibitionistically, look for an appropriate occasion to take the leap. The best one is your birthday: “Hey my birthday is coming up, and you know what I’d really like to do????” No guarantees, of course, but your date might be game to try a club. At clubs there are two levels of play–with just your partner , or with others as well. You might couch your request in terms that specify playing only with each other. That might help your partner feel comfortable. If that works out well for you, on subsequent visits you might suggest a bit of swinging. Good luck.

    I wish you sizzling sex for life.

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