My wife and I have been married 17 years. I have been working on my sexual self very earnestly for the last three years. With the help of your info on PE, I am in a better place on that front. I have also become a much better partner to my wife. I really enjoy being erotic with her— asking about her desires and wants, and listening to her. At her request, we have introduced light BDSM. It’s not my thing, but I’ m happy to engage in it as her partner. We have also introduced lots of toys (vibrators and very large dildos). I find these add a lot of fun to our erotic time together. She says she is the happiest sexually she has ever been.
The issue I don’t know how to change is … my wife is a pillow princess. She wants everything done *to* her. I enjoy doing her. I really do. It’s so much fun and also erotically fulfilling. But when I ask for some attention, some focus on me and my pleasure, she shows no interest. After she’s finished, she just lays there and expects me to finish quickly. She does not enjoy oral sex and doesn’t like providing it. She rarely if ever even touches my body.
Like I said, I enjoy being the giver. But I also have a desire to receive affection and erotic attention from her. I have made some practical suggestions like occasionally may I orgasm first? We will keep all of your favorite toys handy and I promise to stay connected as I recover and then will happily and enthusiastically focus on you. We tried this and…she just laid there. Eyes closed. Detached. It wasn’t the sex I desired. I want to feel wanted and I want that *done to* feeling too. Just a little bit of the time would be nice.
Do you have any practical suggestions for helping break our pattern?
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I tip my hat that you’ve overcome PE and have introduced novelty into your sex life. That’s great.
However, your wife’s refusal to take any initiative in bed is not a sex problem. It’s a relationship issue. Based on your brief summary, I really can’t provide cogent relationship counseling. I urge you to consult a sex therapist.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues. They provide relationship therapy as well as insights into sex problems. Sex therapy costs $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
If your wife won’t accompany you to sex therapy, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you sizzling—and reciprocal—sex for life.