I can’t get my husband in the mood for sex no matter what! When he’s in the mood he hits on me and enjoys sex as much as ever. If he’s not aroused by/attracted to me then why does he have sex with me at all? Can I find out what he needs to be aroused?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Sex is like chocolate cake. Both people may enjoy it, but sometimes one person could have it every day, while the other feels satisfied having it once a week.

    You have a desire difference, a difference of opinion/emotion that’s virtually inevitable in long-term relationships. The hot-and-heavy period rarely lasts longer than two years. After that desire tends to subside—from a little to a lot. If desire subsides unequally, a desire difference develops and may become maddening. Desire differences are one of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists.

    I suggest that you and your husband read my low-cost article, Overcoming Desire Differences, which presents a self-help version of the program sex therapists have developed to deal with this very common issue.

    If the article doesn’t resolve things sufficiently, then I’d suggest a brief course of sex therapy. For more on sex therapy, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy. To find a therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Most desire differences can be resolved so that both spouses can live with the solution more or less comfortably. I hope you can resolve yours.

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