My husband is 48, I am 34, we have been married two years, together almost four. We have not had sex in a year and a half. Any time I try, he rejects me. I recently noticed he was watching porn and pleasuring himself, I even caught him in the living room watching porn on his phone, pleasuring himself. Anytime I try to talk about it, it ends in a big fight. He recently saw a doctor and had his testosterone checked. It was low so he started testosterone injections. When I asked him why he prefers to pleasure himself than have sex with me, this was his response, “You just don’t fuckin understand. Stop thinking and fuckin take a chill pill. I went to the fuckin doctor. I’m taking injections now cuz of the doctors. We just had sex and you want more more more more more now pull your fuckin head out of your ass and stop.” I am at a loss and need advice on how to handle this.
Responses
Leave a Response
You must be logged in to post a comment.
I’m very sorry your husband has rejected you sexually. That must really hurt. I’m sure you’re a desirable woman. He’s being cruel.
That said, I believe everyone has the right to masturbate. The myth is that self-sexing is for people without partners. Actually, the research shows that coupled folks usually masturbate MORE than singles. Sex is more of a front burner item for those in couples. They think about it more than most singles, and when partners are unavailable or unwilling, they stroke more.
So your husband has the right to solo sex—as long as it doesn’t interfere with life responsibilities (work, school, family) or scheduled sex in a longterm couple relationship. His stroking IS interfering with your couple sex, and that’s not fair.
Ideally, you and your husband would sit down, decide how often you wanted parter sex, and schedule it on your calendars. That way you would know when you’ll be sexual and could relax about your sex life. And he would know when he could self-sex without disrupting your partner sex.
But based on what you quoted him as saying, such negotiations seem unlikely. Consequently, I urge you to consult a sex therapist. Ideally the two of you would go together. But if he refuses, I urge you to go by yourself. Desire differences are the #1 couple sex problem, so any competent sex therapist would know how to approach your situation. The therapist could invite you to vent your confusion and anger. And suggest coping strategies. And possibly ways to persuade your husband to join you in therapy.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues, who can provide relationship therapy as well as insights about sexual issues and problems. Sex coaches and therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. Both rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy generally lasts four to six months, depending on the issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.